Ache

My heart kind of hurts.

For pathetic reasons, seemingly.

Why do other people's actions and words, or lack thereof, have such an ability to sting?
It is impossible for man to live free of the even the slightest feeling of dejection that is bound to come with human interaction, I suppose.  "Not caring" can really on take you so far. Denying all exposure of emotional reaction will inevitably lead to an unhealthy fester.

Why did something as trivial as denial over social media get to me? If sounds pathetic to verbalize, but it honestly just made me feel unworthy - completely irrelevant to one's life, even only if it was formerly.  Just block me out so your feelings don't exist because I never did. Seems healthy and mature.  I guess it just reminds me of the same unnecessary and annoying gesture of the past.  2 blatant ignorance (either meaning of the word) and so many more left unsaid. What does humanity mean to these people? What does human companionship equal in their eyes? I wonder that at times. The inability to be a true caring friend to someone must say something about one's selfish inward mind that hunkers down on the tiniest of nuances and raises oneself above the fold.
How hard can it be to respond and relate to another human being, given similar advantages or disadvantages, who's looking for the same thing?  Lighten up! Your mind and worth are not so superior that you can't take the simple action of relation.  I've had more than enough experience with this arrogance and naivety for a lifetime.  Doesn't mean it can't make me feel like crap.

My mind is always focused on the future. Post college musings. Anxiety over potentials, frustration over my inabilities.  My inability not to care at some level.

I feel empty; void of real conversations. Real soul talk. I have so much to say and learn with no one who would even slightly care to listen.  Anyone who would is out of reach... Either they wouldn't care enough to or they live far away.  And I've lost the only person worth intense discussions long ago.  Back when I was too immature to separate things that I should have known how to keep separate. But how would I have known? There was never a place to learn. I can only dream and dream that there is something even slightly as close.

Sum of past few week's thoughts

I couldn't help but feel incredibly annoyed as she looked at the Instagram picture on her phone for the millionth time. Was I being judgmental? Possibly, but at the very least the picture had not changed, I knew.  Maybe she was checking for new likes.  Really? I guess traveling just brings those things out with a new intensity.  Do you spend more time looking at the picture(s, major S) of you there then you do actually being there?

It's this feeling as you sit there and stare and know this life is not yours, but it was and it could be, but it's not. It's just there. You don't do life there but it waits for you as you live it out somewhere else. It goes on without you yet it stays at a standstill. When you return nothings changed yet everything has. Your place in it is gone. You feel like a foreign nomad in a place so familiar. That contradiction hurt somewhere, it really leaves you feeling empty.

Zipper Blues

It finally happened.  A wake of emotion.  A casual breakdown on the road.  
Numb for so long, it was nice to feel the release that tears bring.  An unusual tear shed in retaliation to the Smashing Pumpkins, but still a release nonetheless.  Gosh, what is it with that band.  Always pulling out feelings of angsty rebellion and introspective nostalgia.
It felt so good.  A few screams.  Colum McCann and songwriting mode, which didn't happen, naturally.  Distractions.  Distracted mind.  As much as I attempt to meditate on presentness, my mind seems to have such a hard time following.  Input - that's most likely my issue.  One of my strengths (per assessment), but also the source of one of my greatest weaknesses.  It causes me to want to learn everything (lol @ systematic theology, bartending notes, and python classes), but won't allow me to focus on anything to very significant depth.  It's why I have a thousand interests but have difficulty pinpointing a passion.  I can write, I can sing and play piano, I can draw, I can rock climb, I can run, heck - I can now even bartend and code, but do I excel at any of these?  Nope.  That's so frustrating to me.  Yet without input, I would not have this intense desire to learn and experience.  So thus I must be thankful for it.

working at the pyramid

Hey.  It's been awhile.

Ohhh life. Life has been interesting.
After this crazy, intense, confusing, and wonderful summer, I came back not caring about anything.
Like, anything.
Caffeine (ok, just to a lesser extent)
Social events (I mean, like it's totally fine to stay in on Thursday night drinking tea and doing unnecessary Coursera work and going to bed at 11, right?  What better way to say helloooo 21!!!)
My appearance on campus (No, thirsty freshman boys, I do not care about your attention)

Ok, maybe some things have kicked back in a little (however, caffeine intake is at a new low, GO ME!).  Maybe call it senioritis.  And I don't care how stuck up it sounds, being a senior really means I give no F's about anything or anyone's opinion.

Alright, now that I sound like a Nazi feminist bitch....

But each year of college, as my living arrangement and schedule have changed, I really do notice how much I have changed.  I am such a different person from who I was before this summer, before this last year, before last summer and on......

And I love it.  I love the change. I love the growth.  The only thing I occasionally don't love is reading things I wrote from those past times and cringing just a bit.

It's weird, I feel like I can't touch this summer.  I don't write about it genuinely.  I don't share pictures.  But I guess I don't really share much these days anyways.  God I hate social media even more so than I used to.  How can I not think condescending thoughts when people post the stupidest, attention-whorey things?
     ..... a classic example of my ADHD mind.  I wonder if there are exercises you can do for a short attention span.  I really need to work on that.

So back to my lack of care?  Where did that come from aside from senioritis?
Confidence, potentially?  I would say it's at a new high.
Worry?  On a physical/earthly level, I would say it's at a new low.  Spiritually, it's still there, but diminishing as I continue to understand what God truly is (and am actually ok with)
Financially?  Practically debt-free, although I know I could spend less money and fun and entertainment.  But I guess as long as I continue bartending Beverly Hills Persian parties, I should be good.  The fact that I may spend more time studying cocktails and working events and house parties might be negative to my grade, however.  oops

I guess I just don't care if people see me struggling around campus in an oversized t-shirt while drinking from a water bottle carabinered to my backpack with an overstuffed purse across my body and a large pizza in my left hand.  Lol I still laugh at this image.  I remember back when I worked at Peet's, a customer told me she worked at Starbucks on campus and said she hated going to class after work because she worried she smelled like coffee and people would judge her.  ??? Isn't that a good thing to smell like??  Even if not, why care so much?  I guess I should just be thankful that I honestly truly feel like I know who I am at this point in my life.  And that knowledge gives me so much confidence.  I remember I used to struggle so much with self-confidence.  Did it come from growing up in a family that never told me "I could do anything I set my mind to"?  Or maybe from being in a community that never really pushed me to do much with my life, I'm not really sure.  But hey, I'm 21 now and I know who I am.  If this year didn't complete that, this summer definitely did.  According to my mom, however, I'm not supposed to know who I am until 23.  If I know this much now, I can only imagine the limitless possibilities of 23!

It's weird, I cut my hair short for the first time the other day and it felt so good.  It was like with each snip, those dehydrated fake blonde strands represented every fake moment of the past fading away.  Cheesy I know, but it feels like turning over a new leaf to have soft and healthy hair again.  Hair that's NOT green.  Thank you so much for that lovely gift, Maine.  Oh, Maine.  I miss it so much.  Greener and more lush than I ever could have imagined.  So rolling and so peaceful.  I absolutely hate living in the suburbs again, but I'll deal.  Give me city, mountains, or farm.  Anything but suburbs.  I have probably never had a morning more peaceful than that one time at the Eckert family's farm.  But in general, my Maine mornings were probably one of my favorite parts of the entire summer.  Oh, how I loved my Maine mornings.  Wow, I'm writing about this summer.  Strictly prohibited, yet I don't know why ;)  

That's all for now....off to bed to get sleep before I work at a video game convention for the weekend! hahaha
 



 

Solstice

Flashing eyes
goofy grins
for that it was the same
but
profoundly genuine
to a degree never known
sunflowers
mountaintop sunsets
confusion
running down its slippery side
never felt so secure
rosy cheeks
wet flags
brush by to deliver
intimate exchange on paper
blushing laughter
dancing in the spotlight
loving under the stars
so contrary
so contagious
why?

passion

passion.

Maybe I didn't realize I had it this whole time.
Well, I did, but I was under the false impression that it had to be directed towards something specific in order to be considered legitimate.
I wonder why?

I have a passion for learning.
growing.
building. oh, so much excitement for building!!
relationships.
god.
people.
music.
traveling.
nature.
kittens.
coffee.
the needy.

Why should I ever consider any of these to be less important or not real?  Probably because it has been pounded into my head since birth that in order to mean anything in this world I must pour myself into a respectable career.  When I came to despise this realization, I believed that the only thing I could really be passionate about was to travel and experience.

Although this year I definitely began to discover more passions and pursuits, I didn't realize fully until now how completely untrue this belief is!  As much as I love traveling and exploring, there is a part of me that is unsatisfied with the entertainment nature of it.  I realized this partially from the people I have met through this experience.  Oh, the most interesting people you will ever meet, but their mentality is where we differ.  Could I be ok with traveling from one serving job to another for the rest of my life?  No, I couldn't.  And this realization kind of surprised me.  It surprised me because I let the world tell me that my passions weren't real.  I thought all I had left was to travel and work simple jobs.  But doing so has made me realize how much more God has equipped me with!  As much as I love what I'm doing here, I know it is not something I am meant to do for a large period of my life.  I am so happy to be here now and then get to return back to LA and pursue the opportunities I left off.  I can't wait for weekends in Ventura writing music and recording!  Working more catering events/ weddings with that guy in Beverly Hills.  Pursuing tech more seriously through more online Python, etc. courses.  Potentially gaining managing experience.  Leading a bible study.  Committing to the homeless feeding organization.  Going on climbing trips in Joshua Tree.  Continued consideration of graduate school in Seattle.  Becoming more involved in my new church.  Because I AM a passionate person and I do love learning and growing.  Maybe learning in different ways than what the world tells me I should, but learning all the same.  I need to pour myself into things that matter to me, because apart from God, that's what gives me meaning.  And I can't believe I almost let the world take that away from me.      

structure

I guess I don’t understand why other people get so overwhelmed.  

Well, who am I to say that, I’ve suffered no extreme hardship in my time here on this earth.  But even with people who are experiencing the same challenges (so you can say) alongside me and yet are struggling, I don’t fully get it.  Don’t you know how blessed you are?  Living on this beautiful earth - doing the Lord’s work - making an income, making memories, making everlasting relationships.  You have food on your table, a shelter over your head, human companionship, and the joy of Christ in your heart.  You have a light to share with others - a beautiful gift, the most important gift - yet you feel overwhelmed in one of the simplest stages of your life.  Maybe I haven’t been challenged enough in the ways that could truly get to me, but I don’t understand the need to hone in on the minute details of everyday life.  This obsessive need for structure and regulation is petty.  No apologies if that is a naive statement.  What is truly important at the end of the day?  As my favorite book of the Bible says, live as youth full of vigor, not worrying about tomorrow, enjoying life’s pleasures as God intended - but remember who you answer to in the end. 

the smell of books

I almost cried in a bookstore the other day.  

There’s something about the familiarity of a bookstore that brings about a certain sense of sad nostalgia.  I can’t completely define it, but it has something to do with the concept of thousands of unique stories packed neatly side-by-side just waiting to captivate a reader.  And the consistent and comforting smell of paper.  I used to get laughed at when I was younger for smelling books.   

I know that my emotions were encouraged by additional factors, however.  The moping of teenagers as their mom anxiously pulls them across a crowded street, a laughing family eating hungrily after a long hike, a group of kids exhaustedly sprawled out on the village green - these are all familiar sights from my own family vacations.  I’m homesick. Not horribly, but I feel a twinge inside every time I see all the carefree tourists walking around town or on a family hike.  It makes me wish I was on a family vacation so badly, and oh, how I did not appreciate them as much as I should have as a kid!  I miss my family and I miss going home to San Diego after school.  I definitely don’t miss my usual job and I am completely content with my decision not to spend the summer there, but I do miss the city.  It always feels like a breath of fresh air after being in LA for so long.  I think the reason I feel this way is because there is such a difference between traveling and relocating.  Relocating actually requires adjustment.  I adapt fairly quickly, and I am so now, but I don’t think I fully was that day in the bookstore.  I think it’s more of an adjustment due to having practically no personal space in a dorm, as opposed to having my own room in an apartment or something.  Having my own room last year at school may have spoiled me a bit too much.  

Today, I was driving around the island and felt so blessed to have the opportunity to live in the most beautiful place that I have ever been to and to work a job that I truly enjoy and learn from.  I love all the things there are to do here and all the people I have met.  But I still miss the comforts of home.  I wish I had more time to spend there before I start school again, but I know I’ll also be happy just to be back in southern California in general.               

Azed

I left the world behind me
and floated over open air
it left me wrecked and ruined
but this brokenness I cannot decipher
sometimes it seems the only authenticity
other times it is foolish and silly
I thought it could put motion inside my soul
for that i was wrong to assume
it crushed and bruised me
but only briefly
for it's beauty i have difficulty seeing past
it draws me to its profoundness
with a sadness and gladness only I can truly know
I left the world
and it left me stranded

Reflections

Age fills me with sadness.
Why so?  It shouldn't.
Yet, there have been so many moments when my eyes catch the face of an elderly person, and I can't help but feel overcome with a sense of distraught sympathy.  For all I know, they are completely content, having a lived a full life and continuing to press on into later years.  But I just can't help but see this expression of confusion in their faces that pulls something in my heart.  I believe it may be the way in which they appear so naive and pure - unknowing - yet they have lived to a much more significant extent than I have (in my own non-naivety).  So where is this look derived from?  Often I've seen it as genuine confusion, just as someone is lost or unsure of their decision.  But this happens to all ages and all spans of life.  It must be the fact that they are so wise and worldly yet as easily confused as a young child.  It's that little instance of reversion.  I almost teared up yesterday at the sight of an old man.  Granted, it had been a long day and I was exhausted from traveling.  But as I looked at that man - sitting on the edge of his seat to look out of the water, just waiting for that glimpse of the Statue of Liberty, mouth opening, eyes questioning - I felt severely depressed.  Maybe it's the ease of captured attention.  I guess I don't ever want to be so easily and simply entertained - is that bad to say?  These people may have lived such adventurous lives but as soon as old age hits they stand in awe of the simplest of pleasures.  They misunderstand, they admire, and they enjoy the most uncomplicated things, perhaps because they can't comprehend much more any longer.  Maybe that's what I'm scared of.  How pathetically arrogant of me.  I do say though, this look of content confusion is what draws me to them.  It makes me want to hold conversation with them and it causes me to genuinely smile.  I love when older people come into Peet's.  Maybe I'm just sick of the college age demographic, but they always have so much to say or need help with and I like being able to assist them.

Since I've spent the most time in New York, I believe I have the expertise to accurately assess the subculture of this place.  Lol jk, I don't actually think 3 days can give you that (unless we are talking about Mexico, I for sure figured that one out, haha).  But grant me some observations.
I'm not cool enough for New York.  No one wears cut-off shorts, ragged shirts and tanks, or sandals.  Which I sincerely don't understand because it gets so insanely hot here?? I stand out like a homeless man in Beverly Hills (may be exaggerating).  The classic New York look (for Caucasians) is button down shirts or tee, cuffed pants, athletic shoes, headphones, glasses, and a harsh expression.  Although I have seen this often, it's also nice that everyone here dresses with their own unique style.  It really seems that people here just wear what they like, rather than worrying about if what they like is "cool" or in style.  That's refreshing.  I'm getting sicker and sicker of LA's need to impress and obsession with being "trendy" and "hipster" (oxymorons, people!), "OMG you are totally hipster, aren't you?!"  Although I don't understand why people don't wear shorts here, it's really nice seeing girls wearing real clothes and not just yoga pants and crop tops 24/7.

I think it's pretty obvious to most people I interact with that I'm not from here.  The blonde demographics are severely low, but I'm used to that.  And I never realized how much politeness was drilled into my upbringing until discovering that saying "thank you", "good morning", etc. are completely obsolete and unnecessary.  People are so rude here.  It comes off to me as being unhappy, which is an assumption that will not be made.  But they run around like lunatics grabbing what they need and not stopping to help others.  I'm pretty confident I could scream on a street corner for help and most people wouldn't stop.  The coffee shop I'm at now has nice vibes, but it leaves me missing the laidback attitude of beachside cafes, where people come in barefoot and half wearing clothes.  At least they are greeted with a kind "hello" and not made to feel like an imposition.  I guess it's a side effect of being the largest city in America.  The quote by Jack Keraouc has been constantly running through my head during my time here.

“LA is the loneliest and most brutal of American cities; NY gets god-awful cold in the winter but there's a feeling of wacky comradeship somewhere in some streets. LA is a jungle.”

I really am confused by this.  New York City is an absolute jungle.  I don't see the comradeship here.  Maybe that's too naive for a traveler to say, because I haven't had the chance to be actually involved in community here.  Granted, New York and Los Angeles have definitely changed since the time that that book was written.  I can imagine that New York would have been a wonderful place to be in earlier times.  But still, people just seem straight up nicer and more helpful in LA than they are here.  I've mastered driving here - it's basically make-your-own-path-and-people-will-move-out-of-it if they don't want to get hit.  And then honk incessantly when anyone dares to interrupt your speed.  It's insane.  I will never understand why California drivers get such a bad rap.  I've also mastered the subway, which I love and have always wished were brought to California.  

All that to say, I really like New York.  The people are less free flowing and the catcalls are 10x worse than California, but there's a unique and exciting lifestyle that this city holds.  The ancient buildings are beautiful and there is always something happening.  It's captivating, yet tiresome.  I could definitely adapt but probably only short term; I am already ready to be out of the city and in nature.  

Equinox

flashing eyes
goofy grins
fun and games
sarcastic sayings
sometimes never more than that
makes me ache within.

running in the same direction
yet I the initiator.

similar insecurities
yet
different species.

not crazy enough
but an adventurous soul.

a lifeless soul.

how unfortunate.

how naive,
temporary,
pointless,

fun.

natural tendencies
put aside.

let go,
let live,
let God.

Echo

The ridiculous anxiety had commenced yet again.  Originating from Mexico - what does that say?  So blatantly unnecessary, so unwelcome and sudden.  The situation handled well, as he drove for his first time into the city.  Sharing food at the bar of an intimate Italian atmosphere, I realized I was actually having a good time.

Stumbling through the park - laughing at my stubborn directional tendencies - we found the place and entered.  He got a drink and I moved to the beat - tempted to run and jump off the stage.  The show was spectacular; we swayed and swooned.

We left the magical neighborhood, talking music and more.  I nervously fidgeted in the passenger side of my own car and I knew this was different.  Different from the many times I had forced laughter and told myself that time makes all the difference.  No, those are lies.

Except, it can never ever be.  And even if it could be, would I actually want it to?  No.  I've never experienced something so knowingly temporary.  

Gorgeous

The ocean slowed to a calm;
    our stomachs did just the opposite.
We ate breakfast on the edge of the world,
    feeling like royalty for the drop of a single bill.
Our bodies were too evaporated -
    allowing us to feel the neuron signals firing warnings at our current treatment.
Yet, we had never felt so satisfied before.
Content and so, so calm.
Hair a twisted rat's nest,
    pulled back into a loose bun.
Abalone shells dangling,
    skin tinted as a tomato,
        eyes crookedly lethargic but shining,
            smile unstoppable.
A pause and a stare -
    "You're gorgeous."
  

let's try this........

I can't help but see
all the touches here and there
and wonder what they truly meant
when you were still shining and free

Rather than staying to fix
you left without a trace
you pretended it didn't exist
to ease your heart and to not have to face.

You were supposed to be someone

shining and free

running through the green

chasing the hills

forgetting what's real

you've forgotten what's real.

Your pride unhinged
you tried and you failed
but better to forget
then to have to feel, for heaven forbid.

You couldn't have run faster
without so much as a casual sigh
for it wasn't like you promised
at the end to kneel.
don't worry, i don't mind.

But you were supposed to be someone

to run forever with

blissfully free

forgetting what was real

because we wanted to forget what was real

but you've forgotten it all.

I don't care to feel small

the writings on the wall inform me

the word of mouth reminds me

they make me want to know 

what the hell are you doing?

lol i don't think i could use this. bleh

Hey You

I write so much when I don't want to study.... Oh if I could forever sit and drink coffee and write and listen to The Velvet Underground. Yes.

I wish I wrote a little more in my journals when I was younger.  Or that I hadn't ripped out pages and practically burned them.  Pride is the greatest inhibitor of human expression.
But really, I wish I had written more.  Not necessarily about my day-to-day, but about my thoughts and feelings.  I'd be curious to know how I saw the world at a young age.

I ran into both Kaylor Meyers and Daniel Woo in the same week.  So weird.  Kaylor makes a little more sense, since she lives in the area while going to BIOLA.  But Daniel?  In the middle of the West Covina Walmart?  Conveniently after asking Brooke if I was allowed to wear baggy stained sweats to blend in with the People of Walmart (fortunately I changed into semi-cuter sweats).  Daniel was visiting his cousin who lives in West Covina along with Nozomi, possibly a second cousin, and Daniel's girlfriend, Shaylene (who he awkwardly didn't introduce me to).

Seeing him again reminded me of high school.  It made me think of the first time my heart felt broken, by someone I didn't even have romantic ties to.  I remembered how much time I spent talking to him, listening to his obsessions with Sara (eye roll) and then eventually Shaylene, and dealing with his dramatic way of handling every little thing.  I remember how much he tried to control my life and how he got so upset when I made choices that he didn't agree with.  Omg, the time I slammed the door on him and cried at Liz's party because he got insane from Will following me around like a puppy and me being interested in Ben.  Lol he was honestly psycho at times.  
And when he lastly hurt me by dramatically removing himself from my life because "he wasn't good for me".  That was a good example of my lack of ability to confront and it hasn't improved much since then.

I think confrontation would have saved me from a lot of heartache.  It would have helped me remove Daniel's negativity from my life a lot sooner.  It would have kept me from allowing Ben to manipulate and disrespect me.  It would have prevented me from feeling so falsely needy and inadequate with Ryan.  And it would have kept me from feeling like I owe all these other guys something.  I'm so sick of their immature pressure.

real talk

Wow, I was really tired when I made that post last night.  Sometimes I write things and then wake up and feel like I was drunk when I wrote those things.

I realized that there is always something that must distract.  Now that he is out of my life (was he ever actually in it?) my mind has reverted.  I really don't like that.

OMG I just discovered the band Rainbow Kitten Surprise! What a great band name.
Anyways.

He may have not been real but I made up the rest and that's enough to know I shouldn't have.  Does that make sense?  I'm confusing, huh.
Although part of that whole ordeal makes me a little nauseous, I did learn/was reminded of some things.

Never settle for a guy who's so quick to like you for your physical appearance but looks no further for merit or intellect.  Find one who won't be with you unless you inspire a certain depth in him and is quick to tell you so.  And if he can't tell you that, he probably doesn't have enough balls to talk about anything else real and necessary and is probably a waste of time.  

Don't be with a guy who's quick to provide antidotes but doesn't show interest in yours.  He will never stop caring about himself for even a second to truly listen and know you.

Beware of psuedo-Christians.  Why do so many of them exist?  Look for a guy who is actually living a blameless life and spends a lot of time around people that encourage him in this way.  Be with a guy who only wants to date a girl rooted in Christ and with whom the subject comes natural and often.  I refuse to even be interested in a guy that I am constantly trying to find bits and pieces of God in and who I worry about when they are consistently out with the wrong kinds of people.  It's not my place to mentally micromanage and it's not right for them to be so carelessly proactive in seeking Biblical guidance.  I'm sick of there being so many guys like this.  I'm sick of trying to hold onto the good things while ignoring the bad.

And finally, if a guy doesn't pursue you properly, seriously don't waste your time.  It's not going to change over time.  

yah

Silence.

Oh, how this sometimes seems like such a completely erroneous notion.  I feel like it happened today for the first time, yet ever so briefly.  The usual harassment commenced - telling me what I should do.  I didn't.  But I still felt that pressure.  I can never be myself because I guess I always owe someone something.  It shouldn't be that way.  Today, I didn't let it be.  To be calm and alone must be the hardest human accomplishment - thank you, technology.  
But how can I say that when there are people like Cole?  I felt bad today when he came over; silence for him is so natural.  And not the good silence.  I hope I brightened his day even if he was the one who did me the favor.

Time.

Why do we waste so much of it?  Not even putting physical time to waste, but when it comes to things that don't require our immediate attention we let them drift aimlessly.  If the events of the other day taught me anything, it's that we don't have as much time as we think.  So many worse things could have happened.  Any of us could have been collateral damage.  The crash could have been fatal.  The hostages could have been shot.  I or someone I love could have been that hostage.  So, yah, what exactly am I waiting for?  Well, I'm not.  My life doesn't exactly exemplify that, though.  If you want something you should try your hardest to get it and if you don't then you really don't care that much.  I have hardly tried.  Is that telling me something right now?  If I don't know now then I probably won't know. Idk.  I'm not sure I work that way.  Time and place can be a thing but they can only be taken so seriously.
And wait - you know what, I did try really hard!  I've never pursued something that outwardly in my life.  I'm not sure why I did; I guess I just wanted to dig down deeper.  I wanted to find something that I knew I wouldn't find.  And gross.  What I did find made me lose hope.  At least it taught me what I wanted.  I would've thought I had learned that by now.  Absolutely none are worth my time and it kind of scares me to say that.  I guess I had a little hope in that 33.3%.  But 1 out of 3 is still a ridiculous assumption.  I'm me, I'm not everyone.  And you know what, I've never been happier :)

Peace.

It breathes me in and I expire oxidized and refreshed.            

And it couldn't just end. And why? Because two souls had collided. Two souls that respected. Yet, one had yet to be told. Yes, one had to wait. Wait for what never came. What could only be expressed in a cop out manner. Nothing truly of substance. And so it wrongfully waited. Waited for what never came. And so it stopped waiting.  Because the festering pride will never leave. Pride has no timeline, merely a strong agenda. An agenda that even the most perfect angel could not defeat.  

January 24th

January 24th, 2016.

Truly the most depressing day of the year?

I can't say that there aren't significantly more horrendous things happening around the world on every other day of the year, but January 24th was truly part of a strange weekend.

Valerie's breakup was probably the catalyst that made me accept the superstition of the day.  I mean clearly anything publicized in the news is accurate.  But when she walked in the door with tears streaming down her face, I knew something was happening that day.  And the worst part is my own ability to potentially lighten the impact of the event had I done something sooner.  I just didn't know; it wasn't my place.

Brooke's own escapades were getting to her.  The boy that night, the guy in the morning, and the man that evening.  Which direction to turn?  Although all are relatively good things; the weight of decision making was definitely taking its toll that day.  Not to mention the upcoming events this week and next month that play into the problem.

Nina's voice is pretty much gone now.  Maybe I should force her to go to the doctor.

Heather - frustrated with her meeting and sad about the cat situation.....Oh the cat.  I had a stress dream last night regarding that.  It literally consumed my weekend and scattered yesterday morning all over the place.  It was actually a quite comical moment; basically the definition of my beautifully disorganized life.  I think I thrive on chaos; it gives everything meaning.  I'm glad Johnathon was a part of it; I hope he sticks around.  

Not to mention my own recent and consistently poor decision-making abilities.  Well, not even decision-making.  I didn't even give my behavior so much as a thought.  I don't seem to care and I need to care.  Thus, it was a relatively good night - no - great night for me.  There's just part of me that wishes I didn't think so.  Can I blame everything on the fact that I was stressed?  I just don't understand a lot of what's happening right now.

And the other-Nina's breakup.  That truly made me hurt.  It seemed like such a desperate cry for help but I'm glad we were able to make the situation better.  I don't empathize but at least I can try my best to sympathize.

Maybe not the gloomiest day of the year for southern California, but definitely an emotional rollercoaster.  When it rains it pours (which is supposed to be happening, El Nino, helloooo).