Journals

I was going through my old notebooks and journals today and was surprised to learn that I haven't at all changed since I was a little girl.  In them I found writings and stories following similar themes to the ones that I write now - accounts of me wanting to solve everyone's problems, wanting to run away, and me being "misunderstood".  It made me laugh to read some of the pathetic yearnings of my young heart even though I still understand those feelings.  It shocked me a little to read how willing I was to put aside my own heart ache if I only I could be there for someone else and to be cared for by them.  I realize now what an unhealthy and emotionally detached pattern that has set in my life.  I remember feeling like I had so much passion in me and nowhere to express it in jr. high and highschool.  Definitely not in such a place with superficial friendships and judgment.  I always knew there was more out there than just doing what society expected of you, but I didn't know how to verbalize that strong feeling of discord at that age.  I wrote down so many song lyrics - in fact I used to keep a comprehensive list of all the songs I liked after I fell in love with rock and alternative at 13.  I spent so much time comparing the lyrics in songs to happenings in my life.  I even found the lyrics of a song by Linkin Park printed out and all marked up showing how the words completely dictated my feelings of a specific situation.  Ah, Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington in the span of a few months; best friends and rockstars.  Even though I was never that attached to either it makes me so sad that they made that decision after having such long and profitable careers.  I don't understand how people have the strength to take their own life.

I found this and it made me laugh:

"I love diners
I hate suburbs
I love cats
I love green
I'm insecure about the things I used to be good at
I get bored easily if I'm not stimulated
So many day-to-day things feel like conspiracies
I feel guilty when I'm unproductive
I love the sun
I love coffee
I hate being selfish and I hate selfish and prideful people
I want to create my own job
I hate wearing shoes
I love butterflies
It's kind of creepy that I'm making this list at midnight at Denny's
It takes me multiple months to process anything
Sometimes I feel nothing in the moment
I'm unfortunately lazy
I always want to fix people
I like learning random things"

Sometimes I wish I still wrote in a journal instead of here.  I never will return to notebooks again though because I know I would never write.  My hand gets tired way too quickly, I like editing things over and over again, and I don't want to have a paper trail.  I like being right here.  Sometimes I read through this blog and it awakens so many emotions I had forgotten about.  Ones that I probably never dealt with properly.  I write purposely vague for a reason.  There's no other way for me.

Running Tangents

Honestly, when I leave, I'm partially most excited about being alone.  Being what I want to be; no longer putting up with the BS that is our infamous millennial culture.  I'm honestly so appalled by it at times.  Not wanting to sound arrogant but being so uninterested in befriending or dating half the people I meet.  My co-worker thinks I'm so "cute and innocent" because I mentioned the concept of going on an actual date the other day.  Why are we so barbaric now that we depend on the matching magic of Tinder and sending out masses of dick pics on Snapchat in an attempt to satisfy carnal desires?  My generation is obsessed with approval from strangers, unhealthfully controlling relationships, and the need for constant complaint.  Since when did we get so completely self-centered and forget about anything greater than ourselves?

Long tangent.

When I leave, I will start over in a place that I may not be able to start over in.  I mean it will be difficult - I don't know if I will even be able to communicate.  But at least I won't have to think about auditing my behavior all the time.  No more fear of "slacking", not showing consideration towards "normal" values, or conforming to societal standards.

I sound angry.  I realize that in the majority of the things I write I sound angry.  I'm really not.  I guess I only write about things that frustrate me and unfortunately that doesn't take much.

I am excited, so excited about going, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little anxious.  I already feel pulled in so many directions here, which hopefully I will escape, but I know some of those will follow me.  I mean, I may be essentially working two full-time jobs.  Luckily one I can automate - this freedom is one I've always desired.  Yet I know there will be many difficulties presented with it and I know I will really have to dedicate all that I have.  Sometimes I just doubt that I have a very much to give.  The process of organizing my brain is ridiculously and unnecessarily difficult.  When did my neural synapses get so tangled?  I may have become dumber since starting college.

At least I am escaping.  Since I was little, I always felt the need to run away.  It's this inherent emotion that perpetuates many of my decisions and desires without necessarily attaining my consent.  I can't explain it - I just always need to run.  I wonder if someday I will find the place that I don't need to run from anymore.  

and then my entire life passed before my eyes
it was a haze
full of joy
full of uncertainty
full of laughter
full of longing