When will someone tell me that I am a wide eyed girl who got it right?  I don't need to hear it now but sometimes it seems that it will never happen, that instead I must a live a life of disapointed ties.

to write a song
is many men's greatest achievements

Is it a matter of time?
Can it ever be a matter of time?

I didn't realize how much I loved my independence.

pride

I'm just laughing at the amounts of unfinished blog posts. When did my mind become such a scattered clusterfuck?

Oh, but it's all about pride, isn't it?  It always has, always will be. At least I've lost so much of my own! The only problem with that is that it tends to shove itself in my face when I talk to other people at any possible moment now. I didn't realize how unnecessary it is and how much it exists.

I've recently found joy and freedom from writing unedited and poorly construed thoughts into a real notebook. It takes away all pride.

what is your dream?

The soft golden light twinkled as the plug adjusted in the socket. As his eyes became soft and distant, he chose his words very slowly and carefully.

"In high school, my mom told me to move from Ubon Ratchathani to Sukhothai.  Sukhothai was cheaper, she said. Go finish your studies there.

So I moved. I had no money, no friends, nothing. I started over in Sukhothai. I worked hard and saved because I really wanted to go to University.

During University, I had an English class in a huge lecture hall with many classmates. I didn't speak any English. I was just a poor boy from Isan. One day in class, the teacher asked some of us to come speak in front of the class. He had the prompt 'What is your dream?' displayed on the board.

Of course, I got chosen to speak. I nervously walked to the front of the room and looked out at all the staring faces.  I started to speak and immediately began crying. My face was displayed on a projector for everyone to see. I was so embarrassed, I ran out of the class.

I went home and decided that I wanted nothing to do with University and learning. I packed my bags and ran away to Chiang Mai to stay with my friend. I felt so lonely, poor, and stupid in Sukhothai that I didn't want to go back.

My teacher noticed my absence from the class. He called me while I was still in Chiang Mai and asked where I was. I don't fully remember what he said to me on that day, but he convinced me to come back to school.

From that day forward, I was determined to learn English. I didn't want to feel that shame again. I had been forced to learn how to be independent and I wanted to be able to travel to America and study there. I went to If You Want Hostel and asked them if I could work for free so that I could learn English. I made the beds, cleaned the toilets, did the dishes, all for free. I hung out with foreigners and sometimes slept at the hostel. I had no money but I wanted to learn.

Being in the army has given me a strong heart, but now I want a strong IQ. I want to study in America, make money, and then take it back to Thailand for my family. I don't know if I can do this, but it is my dream."

I lost myself in Thailand

It's weird that it took someone handing me a photograph and telling me to write specific memories on the back of it for me to be able to write at all about anything. Why is that? I'm really not sure but it has seemed impossible here. It felt strange handwriting those significant moments that have affected so much of my small town Thailand life. But now that stage is over, and I'm onto a completely different experience. You know what's funny? I'm always the one saying goodbye, I'm always the one leaving. Every time.

It poured.
We rolled around in the back of a souped-up wagon,
We were laughed at by rebellious kids out late on the street.
The bus lady rolled her eyes and smiled as we barrelled by.
We spent those last 40 minutes together.

Instead of writing about every aspect of my life here thus far, I think I want to write about my favorite parts of this great country.

As much as I miss Western food, I absolutely love walking into a shack-like "restaurant" on the street, being served a delicious hot dish in a matter of minutes, and walking out $1 shorter.  This and nighttime street markets are 2 of the things I'm going to hate the lack of the most back in America.  It's incredible to me - especially being a server and knowing all the tricks for tips, the complaining about customers in the back kitchen over petty things, and being unable to go out to eat unless you are somewhat financially stable. Those issues are literally not a part of this culture and it's amazing.

.....to be continued.......

I can't explain or convey all the nuances of this place to other people. It's quite frustrating. But then again, who really has to know. Why I feel the need to explain at all, I'm unsure of. I guess I like to share things with the people I care about. Until of course you do and wish you never had.....