Gorgeous

The ocean slowed to a calm;
    our stomachs did just the opposite.
We ate breakfast on the edge of the world,
    feeling like royalty for the drop of a single bill.
Our bodies were too evaporated -
    allowing us to feel the neuron signals firing warnings at our current treatment.
Yet, we had never felt so satisfied before.
Content and so, so calm.
Hair a twisted rat's nest,
    pulled back into a loose bun.
Abalone shells dangling,
    skin tinted as a tomato,
        eyes crookedly lethargic but shining,
            smile unstoppable.
A pause and a stare -
    "You're gorgeous."
  

let's try this........

I can't help but see
all the touches here and there
and wonder what they truly meant
when you were still shining and free

Rather than staying to fix
you left without a trace
you pretended it didn't exist
to ease your heart and to not have to face.

You were supposed to be someone

shining and free

running through the green

chasing the hills

forgetting what's real

you've forgotten what's real.

Your pride unhinged
you tried and you failed
but better to forget
then to have to feel, for heaven forbid.

You couldn't have run faster
without so much as a casual sigh
for it wasn't like you promised
at the end to kneel.
don't worry, i don't mind.

But you were supposed to be someone

to run forever with

blissfully free

forgetting what was real

because we wanted to forget what was real

but you've forgotten it all.

I don't care to feel small

the writings on the wall inform me

the word of mouth reminds me

they make me want to know 

what the hell are you doing?

lol i don't think i could use this. bleh

Hey You

I write so much when I don't want to study.... Oh if I could forever sit and drink coffee and write and listen to The Velvet Underground. Yes.

I wish I wrote a little more in my journals when I was younger.  Or that I hadn't ripped out pages and practically burned them.  Pride is the greatest inhibitor of human expression.
But really, I wish I had written more.  Not necessarily about my day-to-day, but about my thoughts and feelings.  I'd be curious to know how I saw the world at a young age.

I ran into both Kaylor Meyers and Daniel Woo in the same week.  So weird.  Kaylor makes a little more sense, since she lives in the area while going to BIOLA.  But Daniel?  In the middle of the West Covina Walmart?  Conveniently after asking Brooke if I was allowed to wear baggy stained sweats to blend in with the People of Walmart (fortunately I changed into semi-cuter sweats).  Daniel was visiting his cousin who lives in West Covina along with Nozomi, possibly a second cousin, and Daniel's girlfriend, Shaylene (who he awkwardly didn't introduce me to).

Seeing him again reminded me of high school.  It made me think of the first time my heart felt broken, by someone I didn't even have romantic ties to.  I remembered how much time I spent talking to him, listening to his obsessions with Sara (eye roll) and then eventually Shaylene, and dealing with his dramatic way of handling every little thing.  I remember how much he tried to control my life and how he got so upset when I made choices that he didn't agree with.  Omg, the time I slammed the door on him and cried at Liz's party because he got insane from Will following me around like a puppy and me being interested in Ben.  Lol he was honestly psycho at times.  
And when he lastly hurt me by dramatically removing himself from my life because "he wasn't good for me".  That was a good example of my lack of ability to confront and it hasn't improved much since then.

I think confrontation would have saved me from a lot of heartache.  It would have helped me remove Daniel's negativity from my life a lot sooner.  It would have kept me from allowing Ben to manipulate and disrespect me.  It would have prevented me from feeling so falsely needy and inadequate with Ryan.  And it would have kept me from feeling like I owe all these other guys something.  I'm so sick of their immature pressure.

real talk

Wow, I was really tired when I made that post last night.  Sometimes I write things and then wake up and feel like I was drunk when I wrote those things.

I realized that there is always something that must distract.  Now that he is out of my life (was he ever actually in it?) my mind has reverted.  I really don't like that.

OMG I just discovered the band Rainbow Kitten Surprise! What a great band name.
Anyways.

He may have not been real but I made up the rest and that's enough to know I shouldn't have.  Does that make sense?  I'm confusing, huh.
Although part of that whole ordeal makes me a little nauseous, I did learn/was reminded of some things.

Never settle for a guy who's so quick to like you for your physical appearance but looks no further for merit or intellect.  Find one who won't be with you unless you inspire a certain depth in him and is quick to tell you so.  And if he can't tell you that, he probably doesn't have enough balls to talk about anything else real and necessary and is probably a waste of time.  

Don't be with a guy who's quick to provide antidotes but doesn't show interest in yours.  He will never stop caring about himself for even a second to truly listen and know you.

Beware of psuedo-Christians.  Why do so many of them exist?  Look for a guy who is actually living a blameless life and spends a lot of time around people that encourage him in this way.  Be with a guy who only wants to date a girl rooted in Christ and with whom the subject comes natural and often.  I refuse to even be interested in a guy that I am constantly trying to find bits and pieces of God in and who I worry about when they are consistently out with the wrong kinds of people.  It's not my place to mentally micromanage and it's not right for them to be so carelessly proactive in seeking Biblical guidance.  I'm sick of there being so many guys like this.  I'm sick of trying to hold onto the good things while ignoring the bad.

And finally, if a guy doesn't pursue you properly, seriously don't waste your time.  It's not going to change over time.  

yah

Silence.

Oh, how this sometimes seems like such a completely erroneous notion.  I feel like it happened today for the first time, yet ever so briefly.  The usual harassment commenced - telling me what I should do.  I didn't.  But I still felt that pressure.  I can never be myself because I guess I always owe someone something.  It shouldn't be that way.  Today, I didn't let it be.  To be calm and alone must be the hardest human accomplishment - thank you, technology.  
But how can I say that when there are people like Cole?  I felt bad today when he came over; silence for him is so natural.  And not the good silence.  I hope I brightened his day even if he was the one who did me the favor.

Time.

Why do we waste so much of it?  Not even putting physical time to waste, but when it comes to things that don't require our immediate attention we let them drift aimlessly.  If the events of the other day taught me anything, it's that we don't have as much time as we think.  So many worse things could have happened.  Any of us could have been collateral damage.  The crash could have been fatal.  The hostages could have been shot.  I or someone I love could have been that hostage.  So, yah, what exactly am I waiting for?  Well, I'm not.  My life doesn't exactly exemplify that, though.  If you want something you should try your hardest to get it and if you don't then you really don't care that much.  I have hardly tried.  Is that telling me something right now?  If I don't know now then I probably won't know. Idk.  I'm not sure I work that way.  Time and place can be a thing but they can only be taken so seriously.
And wait - you know what, I did try really hard!  I've never pursued something that outwardly in my life.  I'm not sure why I did; I guess I just wanted to dig down deeper.  I wanted to find something that I knew I wouldn't find.  And gross.  What I did find made me lose hope.  At least it taught me what I wanted.  I would've thought I had learned that by now.  Absolutely none are worth my time and it kind of scares me to say that.  I guess I had a little hope in that 33.3%.  But 1 out of 3 is still a ridiculous assumption.  I'm me, I'm not everyone.  And you know what, I've never been happier :)

Peace.

It breathes me in and I expire oxidized and refreshed.