It finally happened. A wake of emotion. A casual breakdown on the road.
Numb for so long, it was nice to feel the release that tears bring. An unusual tear shed in retaliation to the Smashing Pumpkins, but still a release nonetheless. Gosh, what is it with that band. Always pulling out feelings of angsty rebellion and introspective nostalgia.
It felt so good. A few screams. Colum McCann and songwriting mode, which didn't happen, naturally. Distractions. Distracted mind. As much as I attempt to meditate on presentness, my mind seems to have such a hard time following. Input - that's most likely my issue. One of my strengths (per assessment), but also the source of one of my greatest weaknesses. It causes me to want to learn everything (lol @ systematic theology, bartending notes, and python classes), but won't allow me to focus on anything to very significant depth. It's why I have a thousand interests but have difficulty pinpointing a passion. I can write, I can sing and play piano, I can draw, I can rock climb, I can run, heck - I can now even bartend and code, but do I excel at any of these? Nope. That's so frustrating to me. Yet without input, I would not have this intense desire to learn and experience. So thus I must be thankful for it.
Monday, November 21, 2016
Friday, November 4, 2016
working at the pyramid
Hey. It's been awhile.
Ohhh life. Life has been interesting.
After this crazy, intense, confusing, and wonderful summer, I came back not caring about anything.
Like, anything.
Caffeine (ok, just to a lesser extent)
Social events (I mean, like it's totally fine to stay in on Thursday night drinking tea and doing unnecessary Coursera work and going to bed at 11, right? What better way to say helloooo 21!!!)
My appearance on campus (No, thirsty freshman boys, I do not care about your attention)
Ok, maybe some things have kicked back in a little (however, caffeine intake is at a new low, GO ME!). Maybe call it senioritis. And I don't care how stuck up it sounds, being a senior really means I give no F's about anything or anyone's opinion.
Alright, now that I sound like a Nazi feminist bitch....
But each year of college, as my living arrangement and schedule have changed, I really do notice how much I have changed. I am such a different person from who I was before this summer, before this last year, before last summer and on......
And I love it. I love the change. I love the growth. The only thing I occasionally don't love is reading things I wrote from those past times and cringing just a bit.
It's weird, I feel like I can't touch this summer. I don't write about it genuinely. I don't share pictures. But I guess I don't really share much these days anyways. God I hate social media even more so than I used to. How can I not think condescending thoughts when people post the stupidest, attention-whorey things?
..... a classic example of my ADHD mind. I wonder if there are exercises you can do for a short attention span. I really need to work on that.
So back to my lack of care? Where did that come from aside from senioritis?
Confidence, potentially? I would say it's at a new high.
Worry? On a physical/earthly level, I would say it's at a new low. Spiritually, it's still there, but diminishing as I continue to understand what God truly is (and am actually ok with)
Financially? Practically debt-free, although I know I could spend less money and fun and entertainment. But I guess as long as I continue bartending Beverly Hills Persian parties, I should be good. The fact that I may spend more time studying cocktails and working events and house parties might be negative to my grade, however. oops
I guess I just don't care if people see me struggling around campus in an oversized t-shirt while drinking from a water bottle carabinered to my backpack with an overstuffed purse across my body and a large pizza in my left hand. Lol I still laugh at this image. I remember back when I worked at Peet's, a customer told me she worked at Starbucks on campus and said she hated going to class after work because she worried she smelled like coffee and people would judge her. ??? Isn't that a good thing to smell like?? Even if not, why care so much? I guess I should just be thankful that I honestly truly feel like I know who I am at this point in my life. And that knowledge gives me so much confidence. I remember I used to struggle so much with self-confidence. Did it come from growing up in a family that never told me "I could do anything I set my mind to"? Or maybe from being in a community that never really pushed me to do much with my life, I'm not really sure. But hey, I'm 21 now and I know who I am. If this year didn't complete that, this summer definitely did. According to my mom, however, I'm not supposed to know who I am until 23. If I know this much now, I can only imagine the limitless possibilities of 23!
It's weird, I cut my hair short for the first time the other day and it felt so good. It was like with each snip, those dehydrated fake blonde strands represented every fake moment of the past fading away. Cheesy I know, but it feels like turning over a new leaf to have soft and healthy hair again. Hair that's NOT green. Thank you so much for that lovely gift, Maine. Oh, Maine. I miss it so much. Greener and more lush than I ever could have imagined. So rolling and so peaceful. I absolutely hate living in the suburbs again, but I'll deal. Give me city, mountains, or farm. Anything but suburbs. I have probably never had a morning more peaceful than that one time at the Eckert family's farm. But in general, my Maine mornings were probably one of my favorite parts of the entire summer. Oh, how I loved my Maine mornings. Wow, I'm writing about this summer. Strictly prohibited, yet I don't know why ;)
That's all for now....off to bed to get sleep before I work at a video game convention for the weekend! hahaha
Ohhh life. Life has been interesting.
After this crazy, intense, confusing, and wonderful summer, I came back not caring about anything.
Like, anything.
Caffeine (ok, just to a lesser extent)
Social events (I mean, like it's totally fine to stay in on Thursday night drinking tea and doing unnecessary Coursera work and going to bed at 11, right? What better way to say helloooo 21!!!)
My appearance on campus (No, thirsty freshman boys, I do not care about your attention)
Ok, maybe some things have kicked back in a little (however, caffeine intake is at a new low, GO ME!). Maybe call it senioritis. And I don't care how stuck up it sounds, being a senior really means I give no F's about anything or anyone's opinion.
Alright, now that I sound like a Nazi feminist bitch....
But each year of college, as my living arrangement and schedule have changed, I really do notice how much I have changed. I am such a different person from who I was before this summer, before this last year, before last summer and on......
And I love it. I love the change. I love the growth. The only thing I occasionally don't love is reading things I wrote from those past times and cringing just a bit.
It's weird, I feel like I can't touch this summer. I don't write about it genuinely. I don't share pictures. But I guess I don't really share much these days anyways. God I hate social media even more so than I used to. How can I not think condescending thoughts when people post the stupidest, attention-whorey things?
..... a classic example of my ADHD mind. I wonder if there are exercises you can do for a short attention span. I really need to work on that.
So back to my lack of care? Where did that come from aside from senioritis?
Confidence, potentially? I would say it's at a new high.
Worry? On a physical/earthly level, I would say it's at a new low. Spiritually, it's still there, but diminishing as I continue to understand what God truly is (and am actually ok with)
Financially? Practically debt-free, although I know I could spend less money and fun and entertainment. But I guess as long as I continue bartending Beverly Hills Persian parties, I should be good. The fact that I may spend more time studying cocktails and working events and house parties might be negative to my grade, however. oops
I guess I just don't care if people see me struggling around campus in an oversized t-shirt while drinking from a water bottle carabinered to my backpack with an overstuffed purse across my body and a large pizza in my left hand. Lol I still laugh at this image. I remember back when I worked at Peet's, a customer told me she worked at Starbucks on campus and said she hated going to class after work because she worried she smelled like coffee and people would judge her. ??? Isn't that a good thing to smell like?? Even if not, why care so much? I guess I should just be thankful that I honestly truly feel like I know who I am at this point in my life. And that knowledge gives me so much confidence. I remember I used to struggle so much with self-confidence. Did it come from growing up in a family that never told me "I could do anything I set my mind to"? Or maybe from being in a community that never really pushed me to do much with my life, I'm not really sure. But hey, I'm 21 now and I know who I am. If this year didn't complete that, this summer definitely did. According to my mom, however, I'm not supposed to know who I am until 23. If I know this much now, I can only imagine the limitless possibilities of 23!
It's weird, I cut my hair short for the first time the other day and it felt so good. It was like with each snip, those dehydrated fake blonde strands represented every fake moment of the past fading away. Cheesy I know, but it feels like turning over a new leaf to have soft and healthy hair again. Hair that's NOT green. Thank you so much for that lovely gift, Maine. Oh, Maine. I miss it so much. Greener and more lush than I ever could have imagined. So rolling and so peaceful. I absolutely hate living in the suburbs again, but I'll deal. Give me city, mountains, or farm. Anything but suburbs. I have probably never had a morning more peaceful than that one time at the Eckert family's farm. But in general, my Maine mornings were probably one of my favorite parts of the entire summer. Oh, how I loved my Maine mornings. Wow, I'm writing about this summer. Strictly prohibited, yet I don't know why ;)
That's all for now....off to bed to get sleep before I work at a video game convention for the weekend! hahaha
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