Honestly, when I leave, I'm partially most excited about being alone. Being what I want to be; no longer putting up with the BS that is our infamous millennial culture. I'm honestly so appalled by it at times. Not wanting to sound arrogant but being so uninterested in befriending or dating half the people I meet. My co-worker thinks I'm so "cute and innocent" because I mentioned the concept of going on an actual date the other day. Why are we so barbaric now that we depend on the matching magic of Tinder and sending out masses of dick pics on Snapchat in an attempt to satisfy carnal desires? My generation is obsessed with approval from strangers, unhealthfully controlling relationships, and the need for constant complaint. Since when did we get so completely self-centered and forget about anything greater than ourselves?
Long tangent.
When I leave, I will start over in a place that I may not be able to start over in. I mean it will be difficult - I don't know if I will even be able to communicate. But at least I won't have to think about auditing my behavior all the time. No more fear of "slacking", not showing consideration towards "normal" values, or conforming to societal standards.
I sound angry. I realize that in the majority of the things I write I sound angry. I'm really not. I guess I only write about things that frustrate me and unfortunately that doesn't take much.
I am excited, so excited about going, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little anxious. I already feel pulled in so many directions here, which hopefully I will escape, but I know some of those will follow me. I mean, I may be essentially working two full-time jobs. Luckily one I can automate - this freedom is one I've always desired. Yet I know there will be many difficulties presented with it and I know I will really have to dedicate all that I have. Sometimes I just doubt that I have a very much to give. The process of organizing my brain is ridiculously and unnecessarily difficult. When did my neural synapses get so tangled? I may have become dumber since starting college.
At least I am escaping. Since I was little, I always felt the need to run away. It's this inherent emotion that perpetuates many of my decisions and desires without necessarily attaining my consent. I can't explain it - I just always need to run. I wonder if someday I will find the place that I don't need to run from anymore.
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