9 shades of green

I started writing the book I want to read.
And that's when I realized I had no idea what I wanted to read.
hahahaha.

I feel like I need someone to give me a great storyline and I could just go with it.  I think I could develop the thoughts, feelings, and cues well.  I definitely have enough of those.

On another note, I was reminded by a very gifted person the other day that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.  I was also reminded of how I'm not totally ok with this statement of truth (risky to say, yet honest).  It's been affecting me more lately, as previously noted.  I really wish it weren't the truth but I find myself on occasion dreaming of running away with hardly a glance back.  And it's not at all due to unhappiness, no, I have quite a bit of joy.  And it's not from lack of care, no, I love the people in my life.  It's just what this implies about me.  What I don't want it to imply about me.  Not necessarily what's accurate about me, but what's true about the 4 out of 9 sides I show of myself.  Or the fact that I only show 4 sides.  The fact that I feel that I can't show the other 5.  That's what bothers me.  That those other parts wouldn't be understood.  I hate it.  I never thought I would say that word, misunderstood, but I just did and that's very much so my own fault.  It's just so hard to find what I want and I'm not entirely sure why.  I mean, I guess I'm used to being stereotyped.  Pressured by guys who assume that my hair color and smile mean I'm easy.  Inquisitive comments from customers about the "nature" of my work.  The origin of my upbringing.

I guess it's easy to slip into that sometimes.  And once you slip into it you make friends in it.  But honestly I don't feel like I had a choice.  It's what life has presented me with.  And I really am thankful, yet also ready for the next stage.  It's all quite arrogant and it always will be, unfortunately.