real talk

Wow, I was really tired when I made that post last night.  Sometimes I write things and then wake up and feel like I was drunk when I wrote those things.

I realized that there is always something that must distract.  Now that he is out of my life (was he ever actually in it?) my mind has reverted.  I really don't like that.

OMG I just discovered the band Rainbow Kitten Surprise! What a great band name.
Anyways.

He may have not been real but I made up the rest and that's enough to know I shouldn't have.  Does that make sense?  I'm confusing, huh.
Although part of that whole ordeal makes me a little nauseous, I did learn/was reminded of some things.

Never settle for a guy who's so quick to like you for your physical appearance but looks no further for merit or intellect.  Find one who won't be with you unless you inspire a certain depth in him and is quick to tell you so.  And if he can't tell you that, he probably doesn't have enough balls to talk about anything else real and necessary and is probably a waste of time.  

Don't be with a guy who's quick to provide antidotes but doesn't show interest in yours.  He will never stop caring about himself for even a second to truly listen and know you.

Beware of psuedo-Christians.  Why do so many of them exist?  Look for a guy who is actually living a blameless life and spends a lot of time around people that encourage him in this way.  Be with a guy who only wants to date a girl rooted in Christ and with whom the subject comes natural and often.  I refuse to even be interested in a guy that I am constantly trying to find bits and pieces of God in and who I worry about when they are consistently out with the wrong kinds of people.  It's not my place to mentally micromanage and it's not right for them to be so carelessly proactive in seeking Biblical guidance.  I'm sick of there being so many guys like this.  I'm sick of trying to hold onto the good things while ignoring the bad.

And finally, if a guy doesn't pursue you properly, seriously don't waste your time.  It's not going to change over time.  

yah

Silence.

Oh, how this sometimes seems like such a completely erroneous notion.  I feel like it happened today for the first time, yet ever so briefly.  The usual harassment commenced - telling me what I should do.  I didn't.  But I still felt that pressure.  I can never be myself because I guess I always owe someone something.  It shouldn't be that way.  Today, I didn't let it be.  To be calm and alone must be the hardest human accomplishment - thank you, technology.  
But how can I say that when there are people like Cole?  I felt bad today when he came over; silence for him is so natural.  And not the good silence.  I hope I brightened his day even if he was the one who did me the favor.

Time.

Why do we waste so much of it?  Not even putting physical time to waste, but when it comes to things that don't require our immediate attention we let them drift aimlessly.  If the events of the other day taught me anything, it's that we don't have as much time as we think.  So many worse things could have happened.  Any of us could have been collateral damage.  The crash could have been fatal.  The hostages could have been shot.  I or someone I love could have been that hostage.  So, yah, what exactly am I waiting for?  Well, I'm not.  My life doesn't exactly exemplify that, though.  If you want something you should try your hardest to get it and if you don't then you really don't care that much.  I have hardly tried.  Is that telling me something right now?  If I don't know now then I probably won't know. Idk.  I'm not sure I work that way.  Time and place can be a thing but they can only be taken so seriously.
And wait - you know what, I did try really hard!  I've never pursued something that outwardly in my life.  I'm not sure why I did; I guess I just wanted to dig down deeper.  I wanted to find something that I knew I wouldn't find.  And gross.  What I did find made me lose hope.  At least it taught me what I wanted.  I would've thought I had learned that by now.  Absolutely none are worth my time and it kind of scares me to say that.  I guess I had a little hope in that 33.3%.  But 1 out of 3 is still a ridiculous assumption.  I'm me, I'm not everyone.  And you know what, I've never been happier :)

Peace.

It breathes me in and I expire oxidized and refreshed.            

And it couldn't just end. And why? Because two souls had collided. Two souls that respected. Yet, one had yet to be told. Yes, one had to wait. Wait for what never came. What could only be expressed in a cop out manner. Nothing truly of substance. And so it wrongfully waited. Waited for what never came. And so it stopped waiting.  Because the festering pride will never leave. Pride has no timeline, merely a strong agenda. An agenda that even the most perfect angel could not defeat.  

January 24th

January 24th, 2016.

Truly the most depressing day of the year?

I can't say that there aren't significantly more horrendous things happening around the world on every other day of the year, but January 24th was truly part of a strange weekend.

Valerie's breakup was probably the catalyst that made me accept the superstition of the day.  I mean clearly anything publicized in the news is accurate.  But when she walked in the door with tears streaming down her face, I knew something was happening that day.  And the worst part is my own ability to potentially lighten the impact of the event had I done something sooner.  I just didn't know; it wasn't my place.

Brooke's own escapades were getting to her.  The boy that night, the guy in the morning, and the man that evening.  Which direction to turn?  Although all are relatively good things; the weight of decision making was definitely taking its toll that day.  Not to mention the upcoming events this week and next month that play into the problem.

Nina's voice is pretty much gone now.  Maybe I should force her to go to the doctor.

Heather - frustrated with her meeting and sad about the cat situation.....Oh the cat.  I had a stress dream last night regarding that.  It literally consumed my weekend and scattered yesterday morning all over the place.  It was actually a quite comical moment; basically the definition of my beautifully disorganized life.  I think I thrive on chaos; it gives everything meaning.  I'm glad Johnathon was a part of it; I hope he sticks around.  

Not to mention my own recent and consistently poor decision-making abilities.  Well, not even decision-making.  I didn't even give my behavior so much as a thought.  I don't seem to care and I need to care.  Thus, it was a relatively good night - no - great night for me.  There's just part of me that wishes I didn't think so.  Can I blame everything on the fact that I was stressed?  I just don't understand a lot of what's happening right now.

And the other-Nina's breakup.  That truly made me hurt.  It seemed like such a desperate cry for help but I'm glad we were able to make the situation better.  I don't empathize but at least I can try my best to sympathize.

Maybe not the gloomiest day of the year for southern California, but definitely an emotional rollercoaster.  When it rains it pours (which is supposed to be happening, El Nino, helloooo).

Studio City

As the sunset dimmed and the traffic increased, the city became abuzz with weekend extravaganza.  The beachfront office had been so alive, so awake with eagerness.  Eagerness for what?  For success, for means to a unique end goal.  A gem surrounded by a beach full of rocks.  Continuing away between the hills, The Hills played and it felt right. The pile of clothes in the back of the car - the elaborate number of wardrobe changes.

Arriving, the night chill set in.  I walked in and was greeted by a few people.  Definitely an older crowd.  Almost instantly I was asked to help outside.  I played the part - act intrigued, touched, asked questions - sitting by the pool on the edge of another hill.  I like this area.  The winding roads, the stillness so awake.

Inside - offered lots of food and drinks.  I scanned the room, analyzing the different characters I saw.  The guy with the camera loves what he does; I felt happy for him.  The main guy was nice, I asked him a lot of questions.  Always good to learn.  I enjoyed watching one woman prep - she looked so fake up close but I knew it would look good on camera.  She wore the weirdest shoes and a full-length leopard robe.  Finally, we were situated.  I fixed my hair and danced to the best music.  Everyone was genuinely having a good time, despite the ingenuine atmosphere of it all.  I danced with this one guy a lot.  He was really good at dancing, probably because I'm pretty sure he was gay. I laughed out of enjoyment and out of the hilarious fakeness of it all.  Someone had a horse mask on.  One girl spilled her beer all over the floor and me in my roommate's shirt - the one I was told not to get anything on.  Oops.

Paris was under attack.  I heard about it on the radio on my way over.  What commenced was a heated political conversation.  I attempted to contribute a few times but knew it was pointless so I sat back and ate my pizza.  Obama's foreign policy, ISIS, the presidential election - I listened as the hardcore liberal feminist (I mean you only cut your hair that short if you're a feminist, right? ;) and the young conservative war vet argued.  The feminist took the vet's opinion way too personally.  Steam was floating out of her head.  Have your thoughts, but be considerate of other's opinions, yah? Or nah.  Eventually, someone else joined the debate and she took the opportunity to escape.  I continued the conversation with the war vet and I agreed with him on a few things, yet he was so pro-all-extreme-measures of national security.  Because at the end of the day, what matters more than a person's life?  To me, it was still a little too big brother.  I left soon after that.  Later someone voluntarily jumped in the pool.

The little bit of alcohol I had wore off and I went on my way, making many wrong turns.  In the dark I sat by a park, waiting to know where to go.  Ah, the beauty of being navigation-less.  I will miss that someday.  I arrived at the house a little too quickly; I liked the shape of the street.  We hot-tubbed for a few hours; pruning before we were supposed to go to a beach house party.  Night cool, water warm, music smooth, stars bright.  It could've been the start of something...but it wasn't.  We drove along the ocean, heater and music blasting, my hair still wet as a dog.  It never dries, I swear.  We stopped at every pier.  Laughed at the drunk people.  Captured the biggest balloon.  The party never happened.
               

Colossians 3:2

I will set my heart on things above, not on things of this earth.

Christ is my life.

I will put to death all earthly nature and evil desires.

I will rid myself of anger, rage, and malice.

I will clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

I will allow the peace of God to rule my heart.

I will be thankful and I will sing with gratitude in my heart.

I will do everything for the LORD Jesus Christ.

Inspired, yet seemingly unattainable.
Blessed, yet how is it regarded?
Flushed, yet with whom to share?
Loved, yet completely ungrateful.
Creative, yet without a niche.
Driven, yet no outlet.
Distressed, yet no exit.