Journals

I was going through my old notebooks and journals today and was surprised to learn that I haven't at all changed since I was a little girl.  In them I found writings and stories following similar themes to the ones that I write now - accounts of me wanting to solve everyone's problems, wanting to run away, and me being "misunderstood".  It made me laugh to read some of the pathetic yearnings of my young heart even though I still understand those feelings.  It shocked me a little to read how willing I was to put aside my own heart ache if I only I could be there for someone else and to be cared for by them.  I realize now what an unhealthy and emotionally detached pattern that has set in my life.  I remember feeling like I had so much passion in me and nowhere to express it in jr. high and highschool.  Definitely not in such a place with superficial friendships and judgment.  I always knew there was more out there than just doing what society expected of you, but I didn't know how to verbalize that strong feeling of discord at that age.  I wrote down so many song lyrics - in fact I used to keep a comprehensive list of all the songs I liked after I fell in love with rock and alternative at 13.  I spent so much time comparing the lyrics in songs to happenings in my life.  I even found the lyrics of a song by Linkin Park printed out and all marked up showing how the words completely dictated my feelings of a specific situation.  Ah, Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington in the span of a few months; best friends and rockstars.  Even though I was never that attached to either it makes me so sad that they made that decision after having such long and profitable careers.  I don't understand how people have the strength to take their own life.

I found this and it made me laugh:

"I love diners
I hate suburbs
I love cats
I love green
I'm insecure about the things I used to be good at
I get bored easily if I'm not stimulated
So many day-to-day things feel like conspiracies
I feel guilty when I'm unproductive
I love the sun
I love coffee
I hate being selfish and I hate selfish and prideful people
I want to create my own job
I hate wearing shoes
I love butterflies
It's kind of creepy that I'm making this list at midnight at Denny's
It takes me multiple months to process anything
Sometimes I feel nothing in the moment
I'm unfortunately lazy
I always want to fix people
I like learning random things"

Sometimes I wish I still wrote in a journal instead of here.  I never will return to notebooks again though because I know I would never write.  My hand gets tired way too quickly, I like editing things over and over again, and I don't want to have a paper trail.  I like being right here.  Sometimes I read through this blog and it awakens so many emotions I had forgotten about.  Ones that I probably never dealt with properly.  I write purposely vague for a reason.  There's no other way for me.