Existential Crisis

Surrounding -  the exhausted sighs of the severely lacking quality of interaction.  Everything simply a grating noise in the background, slit my wrists, please.

How did I get here?

How did I become so completely confused about my existence, my purpose, my desires?  How did I get to a point where I can’t even fathom the reality of a purpose?

I am suddenly the girl who can’t seem to find proper meaning in anything without the help of companionship.  I channel that ending message of Into the Wild and when that seems to fail and I look towards my research and my future, I remember God and it’s importance fades to gray.  When I really ponder Christ, the point of my entire conception slips away into one simple role.  So this soberness settles in and I desire to be alone with Pink Floyd and Albert Camus and my overbearing awareness (for of course, I am more enlightened than the average human being, and oh the weight it carries). Yet, the next moment I am too lonely to shut myself in and I throw myself laughing into a social setting or obligation, creating fun in every situation. 

I don’t know how it happened.  I can’t understand how everywhere I turn I constantly find myself in an existential crisis.  Today, maybe it was the lackluster nature of the conversation I so coveted.  Maybe it was my arrogant disappointment in him - no - every human.  Maybe it was me sitting so long, doing what?  Maybe it was the dull hum, the air conditioning, the clothes I was wearing.  Maybe it was the need to pour out my life in fake mental conversations.  Maybe it was the focus I had on the video, for what is the point of focus?  What the heck is the point of me investing so much of my time into something that is going to be destroyed?  Maybe it was the irritating and unasked-for assistance offered last night - thoughts of you don’t know me and you don’t even care.  Maybe it’s the limited communication that words offer.  Maybe it’s the constant 180º transitions.

How do I go from being so happy, so contented, to being so utterly and frustratingly confused?  How come I am rid of most external stressors yet I feel the need to fill that gap with my own internal ones?  Maybe it’s this fake study, it’s beginning to get to me more and more.  I am becoming bitter and disdainful towards it.  And then I had a wonderful meeting yesterday, giving me so much hope, but for what??????

Why can’t I exist in a normal happy human state - motivated by hard work and accomplishment?  Why am I so repulsed by this?  Why does it not seem to have a place in who I am?  

But who am I, really?  I am lazy.  I want to learn but I don’t take the time.  I am too introspective with no grounding.  I want to be awarded for my creative passions, not my ability to get a letter grade, which is ridiculous and stupid of me to demand from a black and white world.  I don’t like to wear shoes.  I don’t like to follow trends yet I do so on a daily basis.  I don’t meet people with similar souls yet I want to be “friends" with everybody.  Oh wait, except the people I inwardly judge as soon as I see them walk into the room.  I loathe other people’s drives.  I don’t understand my own.  I want to be content in Christ yet I look to every other alternative.  When I look to Him, I see past Him to a “deeper” side and can’t settle in His glory.  I hate complacency yet I dwell in it.  I figure out my supposed passion yet can’t seem to focus on it without feeling like I’m betraying God.  I want to be natural in my abnormal tendencies yet I succumb to the feeling of needing to act normal.  I pretend I care for things that I really don’t.  I feel inspired and then I feel like the biggest failure on the face of the planet. I feel misunderstood and I feel like I can’t understand.  I force myself into fun to cover up inner questioning.          

God, no wonder I’m so confused, my life is a facade of walking contradictions.  The pitch of my voice is a map to how extremely false I am.