Studio City

As the sunset dimmed and the traffic increased, the city became abuzz with weekend extravaganza.  The beachfront office had been so alive, so awake with eagerness.  Eagerness for what?  For success, for means to a unique end goal.  A gem surrounded by a beach full of rocks.  Continuing away between the hills, The Hills played and it felt right. The pile of clothes in the back of the car - the elaborate number of wardrobe changes.

Arriving, the night chill set in.  I walked in and was greeted by a few people.  Definitely an older crowd.  Almost instantly I was asked to help outside.  I played the part - act intrigued, touched, asked questions - sitting by the pool on the edge of another hill.  I like this area.  The winding roads, the stillness so awake.

Inside - offered lots of food and drinks.  I scanned the room, analyzing the different characters I saw.  The guy with the camera loves what he does; I felt happy for him.  The main guy was nice, I asked him a lot of questions.  Always good to learn.  I enjoyed watching one woman prep - she looked so fake up close but I knew it would look good on camera.  She wore the weirdest shoes and a full-length leopard robe.  Finally, we were situated.  I fixed my hair and danced to the best music.  Everyone was genuinely having a good time, despite the ingenuine atmosphere of it all.  I danced with this one guy a lot.  He was really good at dancing, probably because I'm pretty sure he was gay. I laughed out of enjoyment and out of the hilarious fakeness of it all.  Someone had a horse mask on.  One girl spilled her beer all over the floor and me in my roommate's shirt - the one I was told not to get anything on.  Oops.

Paris was under attack.  I heard about it on the radio on my way over.  What commenced was a heated political conversation.  I attempted to contribute a few times but knew it was pointless so I sat back and ate my pizza.  Obama's foreign policy, ISIS, the presidential election - I listened as the hardcore liberal feminist (I mean you only cut your hair that short if you're a feminist, right? ;) and the young conservative war vet argued.  The feminist took the vet's opinion way too personally.  Steam was floating out of her head.  Have your thoughts, but be considerate of other's opinions, yah? Or nah.  Eventually, someone else joined the debate and she took the opportunity to escape.  I continued the conversation with the war vet and I agreed with him on a few things, yet he was so pro-all-extreme-measures of national security.  Because at the end of the day, what matters more than a person's life?  To me, it was still a little too big brother.  I left soon after that.  Later someone voluntarily jumped in the pool.

The little bit of alcohol I had wore off and I went on my way, making many wrong turns.  In the dark I sat by a park, waiting to know where to go.  Ah, the beauty of being navigation-less.  I will miss that someday.  I arrived at the house a little too quickly; I liked the shape of the street.  We hot-tubbed for a few hours; pruning before we were supposed to go to a beach house party.  Night cool, water warm, music smooth, stars bright.  It could've been the start of something...but it wasn't.  We drove along the ocean, heater and music blasting, my hair still wet as a dog.  It never dries, I swear.  We stopped at every pier.  Laughed at the drunk people.  Captured the biggest balloon.  The party never happened.
               

Colossians 3:2

I will set my heart on things above, not on things of this earth.

Christ is my life.

I will put to death all earthly nature and evil desires.

I will rid myself of anger, rage, and malice.

I will clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

I will allow the peace of God to rule my heart.

I will be thankful and I will sing with gratitude in my heart.

I will do everything for the LORD Jesus Christ.

Inspired, yet seemingly unattainable.
Blessed, yet how is it regarded?
Flushed, yet with whom to share?
Loved, yet completely ungrateful.
Creative, yet without a niche.
Driven, yet no outlet.
Distressed, yet no exit.

Peace

Beauty is always attainable

Passion isn't something you find

Boldness is not for the indifferent 

People are meant to inspire

Love should always be free-flowing 

Your muse can NEVER match the incomparable love

Freedom is what you create

Happiness is what you determine

Joy never disappears

The self is "narcissistically apathetic"

Apathy is death

Life is meaningless

But grace and unnecessary zeal make it worthwhile 

COLLABORATION = MEANING
:)

Existential Crisis

Surrounding -  the exhausted sighs of the severely lacking quality of interaction.  Everything simply a grating noise in the background, slit my wrists, please.

How did I get here?

How did I become so completely confused about my existence, my purpose, my desires?  How did I get to a point where I can’t even fathom the reality of a purpose?

I am suddenly the girl who can’t seem to find proper meaning in anything without the help of companionship.  I channel that ending message of Into the Wild and when that seems to fail and I look towards my research and my future, I remember God and it’s importance fades to gray.  When I really ponder Christ, the point of my entire conception slips away into one simple role.  So this soberness settles in and I desire to be alone with Pink Floyd and Albert Camus and my overbearing awareness (for of course, I am more enlightened than the average human being, and oh the weight it carries). Yet, the next moment I am too lonely to shut myself in and I throw myself laughing into a social setting or obligation, creating fun in every situation. 

I don’t know how it happened.  I can’t understand how everywhere I turn I constantly find myself in an existential crisis.  Today, maybe it was the lackluster nature of the conversation I so coveted.  Maybe it was my arrogant disappointment in him - no - every human.  Maybe it was me sitting so long, doing what?  Maybe it was the dull hum, the air conditioning, the clothes I was wearing.  Maybe it was the need to pour out my life in fake mental conversations.  Maybe it was the focus I had on the video, for what is the point of focus?  What the heck is the point of me investing so much of my time into something that is going to be destroyed?  Maybe it was the irritating and unasked-for assistance offered last night - thoughts of you don’t know me and you don’t even care.  Maybe it’s the limited communication that words offer.  Maybe it’s the constant 180º transitions.

How do I go from being so happy, so contented, to being so utterly and frustratingly confused?  How come I am rid of most external stressors yet I feel the need to fill that gap with my own internal ones?  Maybe it’s this fake study, it’s beginning to get to me more and more.  I am becoming bitter and disdainful towards it.  And then I had a wonderful meeting yesterday, giving me so much hope, but for what??????

Why can’t I exist in a normal happy human state - motivated by hard work and accomplishment?  Why am I so repulsed by this?  Why does it not seem to have a place in who I am?  

But who am I, really?  I am lazy.  I want to learn but I don’t take the time.  I am too introspective with no grounding.  I want to be awarded for my creative passions, not my ability to get a letter grade, which is ridiculous and stupid of me to demand from a black and white world.  I don’t like to wear shoes.  I don’t like to follow trends yet I do so on a daily basis.  I don’t meet people with similar souls yet I want to be “friends" with everybody.  Oh wait, except the people I inwardly judge as soon as I see them walk into the room.  I loathe other people’s drives.  I don’t understand my own.  I want to be content in Christ yet I look to every other alternative.  When I look to Him, I see past Him to a “deeper” side and can’t settle in His glory.  I hate complacency yet I dwell in it.  I figure out my supposed passion yet can’t seem to focus on it without feeling like I’m betraying God.  I want to be natural in my abnormal tendencies yet I succumb to the feeling of needing to act normal.  I pretend I care for things that I really don’t.  I feel inspired and then I feel like the biggest failure on the face of the planet. I feel misunderstood and I feel like I can’t understand.  I force myself into fun to cover up inner questioning.          

God, no wonder I’m so confused, my life is a facade of walking contradictions.  The pitch of my voice is a map to how extremely false I am.  

I hate Tuesday mornings

My thought process

6:45am - Get up at an ungodly hour because a shower probably wasn't taken after working out the night before.
7:00am - Try to put on clothes that won't require changing 3 times throughout the span of the day.
7:10am - Actually plan ahead and make coffee.
7:40am - Shove down breakfast.
7:43am - Attempt to fit oversized backpack and traveling mug into bike basket.
7:45am - Try not to hit any bumps to prevent coffee from flying out all over the place (that's never happened before).

7:47am - OK, don't change gears that's fine. 
7:53am - Lock bike at the bottom of the god-forsaken hill and climb the rest of the way up. Is it 90 degrees?
8:00am - Settle in, pull out laptop, put on sweatshirt, take off shoes, lean back, drink coffee.
8:03am - Completely shut out unimportant monotone and check e-mail, Blackboard, and Facebook.
8:17am - Ignore important e-mails and resume work on Codecademy.  Periodically research correlation between metabolism and thyroid.
10:20am - Finish coding and research.  Glance up at the video a grand total of 3 times.
10:25am - Is someone really asking a question about air gaps in water filtration methods?  Do people actually care about air gaps in water filtration methods??
10:40am - Are you seriously asking about the 6-inch gap from the floor???  AND taking notes??
10:45am - Can I leave yet?

10:47am - Complete lack of interest in anything relating. 

10:50am - Why is my hair sticky after I washed it.

10:51am - Why am I tired when I got sleep. 

10:52am - Off to 2 meetings. 1 of which is irrelevant and pointless. 

Still

Sitting there - face wet, blinds cracked. Light spewing with a noir-esque undertone.  The harsh warning of a train passing; late arrivals meander in.  The beep - the most consistent aspect and yet the consistent reminder of irritation.  The anger building - and falling - as the arcs of a heart beat.  The incriminating piece of art veering down from the wall, begging memories.  The moments laid out - what has there ever been to hide?

Anxiety by Vice

Wow. This is incredibly accurate.  Now I don't feel like such a broken human when I pull over randomly while driving or hide in a bathroom stall from my responsibilities just to breathe and try not to cry.

"The first thing that has really helped me is to examine the difference between the sensation, or feeling, I am experiencing and the meaning I give the feeling. This means that sometimes, when I am on the precipice of a panic attack, I will literally get out a piece of paper and divide it in two. On the left side I will write down the sensations: rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, tightness in chest, choking feeling, blurred vision, butterflies in stomach, dizziness. On the other side of the page I will write down the meaning I give these sensations—the thoughts that I ascribe to them.

As an example, here are some thoughts that I regularly experience at the onset and during a panic attack: Oh no. Something's wrong. I'm dying. How will I ever hold it together professionally? What's wrong with me? How will I speak? How am I going to stay here? I'm going to have to leave. How will I stand up? People are going to know or judge me. Why am I having a panic attack with someone I love? My time with this friend or loved one will be ruined. I'm going to be like this forever. I'm different than everyone. This is going to last forever. Why do I feel so weird? This is the breakdown. All is not OK. I'm going to be consumed.

When I separate my feelings and thoughts out like this, in different columns, I'm able to sort of slow down the "doom cycle." Sometimes, on a good day, I can even find a reasonable attribution for the sensations. To me, it always seems reasonable that I could be dying. But sometimes I find a more obvious reason. Maybe anyone would be nervous in the situation I'm in. Or maybe it's the first time I've let myself slow down all day to feel anything. Maybe it's feelings from three hours ago.

Obviously, there are some situations (a work meeting, a class at school) where it doesn't seem weird to take out a piece of paper and write. You just look like you are taking notes. But for situations where it would be kind of "weird" to begin "journaling" in the middle of the event (dinner with a friend, during sex), I have another good tool.

I've started to assess my emotions and give them a number on a scale of 1-10. As a lifelong avoider of feelings, I can't always describe exactly what I am experiencing—but I can always tell if it's a 3 (mild discomfort) or if it's a 10 (definitely dying).

Recently I put the number system into play while having lunch with a professional acquaintance who was visiting my city. For normal people, this doesn't sound like a huge deal, but I'm not normal people. We were just finishing our food and I was about to drive her to her hotel, when suddenly, I was hit with a weird-ass feeling, like a wave of existential sadness. What freaked me out the most was there was really no reason I should be experiencing this feeling. What was this sadness? Was I going to cry in front of this person? How would I hold it together enough to drive her to her hotel?

The thing is, the sadness itself wasn't totally unmanageable. If I were to give it a number, I'd say it was about a 4. You can drive on a 4. You can continue living. But my fear around the sadness, the thoughts that catapulted it into high anxiety, ratcheted me up to about an 8 or 9. 8 and 9 are far less doable than a 4. So what I discovered was that it was actually my reaction to the feeling, and not the feeling itself, that made me feel like I was dying. This thought somehow brought me back down to about a 5. I suffered some, but not as badly as I have in the past.

I don't know if I'll ever be "cured" of my anxiety disorder and the depression that underlies it. I was born a sensitive and imaginative person. To cure my anxiety entirely, I would probably need to be cured of myself. But these tools, and others I'm learning, make me feel less doomed when I am in a bad cycle.

I also just like the idea of experimenting with tools. The notion that a panic attack or experience of anxiety can be a time to practice, and is not something that must be solved now, is a big relief. Often I make the situation worse with my urgency—the thought that I must get better today, or else. But experimenting with various tools takes the pressure off my meds to be at the elusive "perfect level" and lessens my need to always feel like everything is OK.

Perhaps because I've struggled so much in this area, I sort of just assumed that successful people, or "normal people," don't feel fear. Like, if I feel fear then I have no chance at being OK, as though fear is a flaw or something that can be smelled on me. The truth is, I still don't particularly want to be courageous. Like, if it were up to me I would not have these issues that force me to be courageous. But when I can approach the doom itself with a looser grip, I feel like less of a freak among people and more like a sort-of OK person."

-Vice

Eyes

He looked at her, tears falling from red-rimmed eyes.  A rare sight indeed.
"I just didn't think it would come to this."
She bitterly turned her shoulder to face her body away from him.
"Yah, well, what did you really expect?" Her question lacked any intonation.  "Did you actually think that something like this would happen and we would be able to just continue on with our normal lives?"
He gently grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back to face him square-on.  Her eyes flashed with anger.
"Just look at me; I, I-"

His eyes spoke a story of confusion but nothing more could come out of his mouth.  He probed her mind with hurt eyes, attempting to insert condolences and unsayable words anywhere they were accepted.  Her harsh gaze faltered under his soft one, allowing him to enter effortlessly. Their communication began to flow freely through this intense glance; he had a way of pulling the true colors out of her. They stayed like that - staring - trying to right every wrong of this situation with intent concentration.

Her guard gone, she buried her head in his chest and clung to him tightly.  The source of their grief blew up into a hot air balloon that pressed itself between their bodies, causing palpable ache.  Her body shook in his arms as she finally allowed the inner sadness to emerge out of her eyes.

Eventually, the hot air balloon lifted off into the sky.  She separated her body from his and searched his damp eyes for any final thoughts.  She found a slight smile and knew that hot air balloons could only stay on land for so long.        

 

Captivate II

Last time in this place

I reveled in captivation

I begged for it to leave

And in the dust now it's listened

If anything were to not be in a full circle

Can it someday be this?

Yet I imagine there will never fully be room

I must accept and learn to miss.

Once upon a wide open land

When exploring new places, I like to imagine my life as it would be had I grown up in that location. Sometimes I become annoyingly restless with my own allowance, however, if the place is of another time period, I am more likely to let my imagination flourish and less likely to dwell on pathetic life comparisons.
Today [yesterday] was such a time as this.  My visit to Shelburne Farms in Vermont was like any ordinary trip to somewhere new (if something so beautiful could be considered ordinary), until a life folded out before me with one glance at a lone apple tree.
The tree stood in a forest clearing, the area vacated as if the maple trees purposely made way for the apples to flourish.  The sun filtered through the surrounding trees, illuminating the leaves and fruit of the tree.  It's long arms stretched out wide yet not too tall, providing a sort of shelter to anyone or anything that may find rest at its base.
I'm not sure why, but out of anything in this 3,000+ acre landscape, this is what made me stop and imagine my life as a wealthy young Vanderbuilt-Webb, "summering" on my lakefront Vermont property.  This clearing was where I imagined a teenage Webb slipping off to on a sultry afternoon to meet up with her summer romance.  I see the boy as a young fisherman's son, as poor as a beggar in comparison, yet rugged and strong from his days of hauling heavy fishing nets.  They make arrangements to secretly meet under that apple tree as many days as they can during summer, knowing their parents would never allow this kind of correspondence to take place.  The tree is the about a mile from the main house, perfectly close, yet just out of reach.
I imagine a red gingham blanket, laid out beneath them.  The girl has spent an hour prepping to ensure that she looks beautiful for him.  She brings whatever she can hastily gather from her family's indulgent kitchen and the boy hungrily eats as he tells her about his day on the sea.  He smoothly shakes a branch with one hand and catches his prize with the other, handing the forbidden fruit in over-the-top manner to the girl.  She blushes and accepts, and he kisses her crimson cheek.  They explore the woods, imagining it as their private kingdom.  Sometimes, they have to meet by moonlight because of his work. They leave food for the squirrels, splash around in the creeks, and dance during the showers of furious thunderstorms.
When her family must go home for the fall, they share a tearful goodbye with promises of return the following June.  However, a busy year will pass and they will never meet again, for a summer fling can last longer than a summer.  They have both moved on and forgotten.

o^oOo^oOo^o

As the earth so tediously cooled
I disappointedly trod
But for what I did not know
Yet have I more than hardly prod?

The numbness originates deep
Dropping temperature within the core
But soon gives way to spite
I am comfortable no more.

How can it be put to a halt
I sadly search his eyes
Yet no one can relieve this lunacy
I am all that the poor despise.

How do you find peace
In a permanent transition state
Unless that romantic restlessness
Means wandering by fate.

Being passionless is apathy
And apathy is death
It not only affects your direction
It completely destroys your mental stead.

It perpetuates your desires
Your commitments, your respects
Without assuming this position of control
You will exist in a psychological mess.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to run at any given chance
I relinquish the source into its demon
For its brokeness I will only enhance.

I don't even know what this is

The girl on the far right is much too old with children of her own; but who am I to decide when someone gets an education.  She has a motherly essence about her.

The girl with the nervous sounding catch in her throat is determined to wear a hat every damn week. Is that necessary? 

The Mexican girl with the broken English to her left has died her hair platinum blonde and donned fake Micheal Kors to better fit in with her white American counterparts.

What did I write....

Rejuvenate

Beneath the organic shelter I lay
The swarming essence of summer 

Pulsing around the shape of my form

Beckoning in its earthing pull to the core

Exchanging its sweet kiss for the last ounce of my resistance 

Much opposite to that of a butterfly

Yet alike in spirit 

The drift - awakened by the bout of the squirrel 

Yet only for a fleeting moment as the lure strengthens its grasp 

Creating a euphoric response seen as a close-eyed smile 

The only bothers - the tick I ignored in checking 

Promising only stress to the simplicity of the moment

And the technology to my left - unable to withstand the natural rays of heat that cause life and discard of poison 

Pushing aside these human tools I succumb to the drag and find myself in a place of mindless warmth

Eliciting a feeling like no other.

At last I arise in a drugged stupor 

Aware of nothing except the glow of my skin and the contented response of my body

Caressed by the earth, I must move on to the mundane tasks of the day

I bid good day to Mr. Squirrel and stumble numbly on my way.

Everything under the sun is meaningless

I've had a lot running through my mind recently, per usual, but I'm not sure I can find the words to properly explain what's in my heart.  I guess I will try my best because I know it clears up my mind when I attempt to write my thoughts down in an organized manner.  A warm thank you to Blackboard for currently being under maintenance so that I can guiltlessly verbalize the mental fragments that have been exuding out of me....hahaha I kid.

Lately, the words of Ecclesiastes have been repeating themselves in my head, probably due to the fact that I feel like I relate to them more than anything right now.  In the beginning chapters of the book, Solomon talks about the meaningless of "everything under the sun".  He wrestles with his realizations that his wisdom means nothing; fate ultimately overtakes both the wise man and the fool.  This cannot be helped, for the earth is a flowing cycle of human lives: each person is born, lives, and dies forgotten while new births fill the shallow abyss of death.  Ecclesiastes 1:9-11 sums up many of his relevant thoughts well:

"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.  Is there anything of which one can say, 'Look! this is something new'?  It was there already here, long ago; it was here before our time.  No one remembers the former generations, and even those yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow them."

He goes on to explain his journey of experimentation to find meaning in earthly pleasures and found that he only felt weary from the toil of working toward something that has no value.  Our lives are utterly insignificant.


Wow to be continued......I got like nothing out of my head.  Can someone please invent a machine that reads your mind and writes your thoughts out for you?

Let's be honest....I don't think I can ever finish this.  Too many thoughts regarding this....it seems to affect every aspect of my life.  Well at least I know what I meant to write here.

With blushing brilliance alive...

I've always adored this song (haha get it - Adore) but I haven't always realized how truly beautiful these lyrics are.  Their metaphoric significance and poetic articulateness is honestly astounding to me.  Whether this song is referring to death, separation, or love, I know that it will always inspire a certain amount of introspection.  This is just another reason I love the Pumpkins...they are able to produce angst-driven melodramas and then turn around a perform the most simple sounding yet complexly worded love ballad.       

To Sheila

Twilight fades through blistered avalon
The sky's cruel torch on aching autobahn
Into the uncertain divine
We scream into the last divide

You make me real
You make me real
Strong as I feel
You make me real

Sheila rides on crashing nightingale
Intake eyes leave passing vapor trails
With blushing brilliance alive
Because it's time to arrive

You make me real
You make me real
Strong as I feel
You make me real

Lately I just can't seem to believe
Discard my friends to change the scenery
It meant the world to hold a bruising faith
But now it's just a matter of grace

A summer storm graces all of me
Highway warm sing silent poetry
I could bring you the light
And take you home into the night

(You make me real) Lately i just can't seem to believe
(You make me real) Discard my friends to change the scenery
(Strong as I feel) It meant the world to hold a bruising faith
(You make me real) But now it's just a matter of grace

Copy Cat

How many people are truly who they outwardly appear to be?

I believe that there is an aspect of true happiness that is only available to those who are fully able embrace their individual sense of humanity.  To express themselves without hesitation or fear of social standards and to relish in this obvious gifting of freedom!  I want to maintain this concept of uniqueness as a prominent part of my life.  To act without meaningless restraint or withheld interest in the nonuniform (to a certain standard of peace and respect for others, of course).  Naturally, this is bound to bring to light the negative characteristics that are expected to come from a flawed species.  Good!  They are now recognizable, now do your best to eliminate them and become the best version of yourself possible.

Problem is, we're so caught up in the lives and trends around us that we will never fully achieve this concept of individuality.  Have fun living as depressed copy cats, humans.
(I am by no means excluding myself from that statement, lol)  

Quotes by Kerourac

No class until 3:00?  Might as well update my compilation of favorite quotes from On the Road.  Although I have mixed feelings on the book as a whole, I did really appreciate certain passages that I read.

"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'" pg. 5-6

"And his 'criminality' was not something that sulked and sneered; it was a wild yea-saying overburst of American joy; it was western, the west wind, and ode from the plains, something new, long prophesied, long a-coming (he only stole cars for joyrides)" pg. 7 YES 

"'Let's all go to my apartment!' I shouted.  We did; the moment the car stopped there I jumped out and stood on ym head in the grass.  All my keys fell out; I never found them.  We ran, shouting, into the building.  Roland Major stood barring our way in his silk dressing gown." pg. 44

"They were like the man with the dungeon stone and the gloom, rising the form underground, the sordid hipsters of America, a new beat generation that I was slowly joining." pg. 54

"Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk.  Not courting talk - real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious." pg. 54

"We lay on our backs, looking at the ceiling and wondering what God had wrought when He made life so sad." pg. 58

"There is something brown and holy about the East; and California is while like washlines and emptyheaded - at least that's what I thought then."  pg. 79 My thoughts on the new establishments of the West and the lack of significance they portray 

"LA is the loneliest and most brutal of American cities; New York gets god-awful cold in the winter but there's a feeling of wacky comradeship somewhere in the streets.  LA is a jungle."  pg. 86 Theory of commonality causing community? And direct correlation to previous quote. 


"I woke up as the sun was reddening; and that was the one distinct time in my life, the strangest moment of all, when I didn’t know who I was – I was far away from home, haunted and tired with travel, in a cheap hotel room I’d never seen, hearing the hiss of steam outside, and the creak of the old wood of the hotel, and footsteps upstairs, and all the sad sounds, and I looked at the cracked high ceiling and really didn’t know who I was for about fifteen strange seconds. I wasn’t scared; I was just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life, the life of a ghost."

Nighthawks

I have always been drawn to the way images have the ability to evoke such a powerful emotional response within the heart of the viewer.  To look at a scene and understand the conveyed feeling provokes a desire in me to be a part of the captured moment and be able to explore further into its atmosphere.  I remember as a child I used to flip through all the pre-programmed Windows 2000 backgrounds and pause at each one, letting my mind travel perhaps across rolling green hills past the depths of the expanse that was only limited by a computer monitor.  I remember the rush I felt, the profoundness I thought, of the idea of being alone in this alternate wonderland.  I do not understand why a visual aid can prompt this nostalgia in my inner being, and yet again it seems to be a longing for something that I have never experienced nor shall ever be acquainted with.  Why are there so many stimuli that are able to arouse feelings that I am not familiar with?  Maybe it is simply the draw to something that is inaccessible, for one will never feel as if they are in an actual painting and the fascination for this only reminds me of my ridiculous yearning for tragedy.  Yet it is these feelings that allow me to know that I am indeed a human with a soul more complex than science can explain and not merely a two-legged intelligent mammal.  Still, I wonder.  But what do I do besides wonder anyway?

Today, I wish I were a part of Nighthawks.  It's one of my favorite paintings, but to be honest, I don't exactly have an answer for why.  Perhaps it's the way such a commonplace happening is depicted in such a simplistic manner.  Perhaps it's my own romanticized perception of the time period displayed.  Perhaps it's the way this painting makes the viewer feel like a lone outsider looking in on a warm instance in time.  Perhaps it's merely because of the hollowness it seems to develop inside of me.  Whatever the reason be, Nighthawks further establishes my insatiable craving for something more, yes, something good.  

EmotionGraph

Current Emotions

2/2215

10:30am - I am broken
3:30pm - I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!
3:31pm - Screw studying HACCP and run away to Iceland!!!!

2/23/15

1:00pm - Do you feel like you belong?
9:00pm - Bitter, oh so bitter.  I hate being jealous.
10:15pm - Huh?
10:18pm - Behold our God

2/24/15

3:00pm - I think I'm going to kill something.

2/27/15

2:30pm - Happy :)

3/2/15

6:30pm - just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl......

3/10/15

5:30pm - awww :)
10:00pm - Wild for the night

3/13/15

3:00pm - I am going to kill everything.
10:00pm - Am I a real person?

3/15/15

7:45pm - Apathy?

3/16/15

7:30pm - :(
7:45pm - It's time to land!

3/29/15

11:50pm - Sad, jealous, over it

3/30/15

7:30pm - ....to prosper and not to harm....

4/29/15

11:45pm - When pretend turns real.... :(
11:50pm - Lately I just can't seem to believe....

5/7/15

4:00pm - let me outttttt

5/8/15
6:15pm - And I wonder.....
6:16pm - How long? :(

10:35pm - If I ever need the exact moment here it is....washing dishes alone and I physically mentalize that I can't imagine my life.... listening to no room - CD

5/25/15
9:30pm - If only you knew :( So pathetic
9:35pm - If there ever was a person to make something out of nothing.... I don't want to be that person
10:00pm - @*#*(@%D$)(*$()*$()R)*(*(U$)(*$()N!@#!@@!#K
10:30pm - $**@($*F()#($)($U)(C)())K@)@)@R)@$*()&E)(*A)(*@$L@$*@(I(@$(@$*T)(@Y
11:00pm - Scar tissue that I wish you saw.....
11:05pm - I need to stop

5/28/15
11:45am - don't got money on my mind, go and search my thoughts, only green on my riverbanks
11:50am - Trees are beautiful!

5/29/15

12:10am - sick of typical

6/1/15
7:20pm - >being that person
7:25pm - Let me out
11:13pm - The longer they go unspoken, the smaller the room is getting...I just don't believe there can ever be a time with NO ROOM
11:14pm - AHA get it cuz walls are being built!!! ^^^
11:15pm - I'm not sure why I made that sound exciting; it's actually quite sad
11:16pm - I don't think I make any sense anymore
11:20pm - Is it enough?
11:21pm - This is so much easier than actually doing homework
11:21pm - Seriously back to Finland I go
11:27pm - orange marmalade....with a twist

11:40pm - But I don't want to :(

6/2/15

9:00am - remember this feeling

6/15/15
12:00am - has it really been 13 days?
12:05am - why do I constantly have to feel that way?
12:10am - BURST
12:15am - It's not that hard... it's so simple really :(
12:30am - It was not about losing my mental power; it's about not feeling good about my contribution to the game.
12:37am - wait but it's not the game, it's the mentality!!!! Brilliant counter reflection

6/30/15
1:40pm - I'm going crazyyyy.....************ crazy.................
1:42pm - I don't like when the change of scene affects every aspect of my well being

8/20/15
10:10am - I haven't been on here in awhile.  I feel like this has turned into more a twitter for myself or a way to track my cryptic and often lunatic thoughts. I'm ok with that.  What have I been feeling lately, Lauren?  I have never felt such an impression of fakeness as I currently do.  And that's saying a lot considering my upbringing. I want to throw up.

8/26/15
10:20am -

9/8/15
7:00pm - the worst part is having the urge to do and having to decide against it.
what is the urgency for? i don't know. anything from obnoxious facebook posts to jason mraz can spark it.

9/21/15
12:50am - my left half is bound to cave in if this continues.  God, either kill me or let me live free of fear.
12:51am - and the waves just keep on rolling. it's like the lid was opened on the largest pot of boiling soup.
12:53am - and yet when i look over all of this, can i help but understand why? it's written all over this page and I didn't have the intelligence to listen to any of it. oh wait, i did, it just got crowded out by defiance.
1:11am - :(

9/26/15
11:34pm - Every time she leaves to see him.......I want them all to die
11:35pm - Blink 182 :\
11:36pm - I just realized that almost every time I write something on here it's sad because I rarely think to do so when I'm happy and having fun....I should do that more

10/10/15
4:46pm - I literally can't go anywhere in the world now, thank you very much
4:47pm - To go home or not to go home
4:49pm - Or hear anything

10/12/15
12:05am -
Get a little closer, let fold
Cut open my sternum, and pull
My little ribs around you
The rungs of me be under, under you

10/21/15
10:50am - *Fingers crossed*

10/27/15
6:05pm - When you don't have to pretend :) I don't know if I've ever been more excited in my life

11/28/15
11:11am - I haven't written on here in awhile....that's probably a good thing :) 
11:13am -  Ocean Beach will always be home....no pressure here

12/5/15
4:15pm - I can't understand the ridiculous portrayals of selfishness and its profound effect on my life.  It just seems like complete purposeful blindness and an utter lack of stewardship.

12/8/15
10:18am - Thank you, it's one of the best things you could have done for me.

12/19/15

3:24am - holy shit. I'm worried of the violence

12/21/15
1:41pm - just remember the butterfly moment whenever you having feelings of doubt :) 
1:42pm - And forget CD it's not real

12/29/15
2:36pm - why.......it really isn't a big deal and I really don't care. I've been so at peace and nothing can change that. 
6:45pm - but I may be slightly obsessed.... :) maybe someday
11:25pm - That knowledge would have given me freedom. However, I can find a much greater freedom - the ultimate freedom - without human help.  I don't need those answers.   
11:32pm - extract the clutter from the everyday 

12/30/15
8:05pm - Thanks

12/31/15
9:58am - Nature sex yawn winking reminder

1/2/15

1:24am - even still.... I miss you. I guess it wasn't enough though and something has to be said for that or else I'll forget

1/3/15
6:41pm - I can't believe how unbelievably sad that moment made me feel this morning. I really didn't expect that.

1/5/15
11:00pm - and the dreams won't stop?

1/7/15
1:00pm - yikes

1/9/15

2:05pm - I should feel bad but I don't.....

9:17pm - or maybe I do.

1/10/15
7:07pm - For the first time I understood, yet I hardly felt anything. For some reason it felt like it opened up  a whole new world....but then what a large contrast last night was.  Sometimes what you want doesn't match up with what you desire.

1/19/15

9:55am - what to doooo.... It's like pulling teeth but in a good way?

1/20/15
4:25pm - whyyyyyyy... I must say I'm not used to this

1/24/15
5:41pm - and yet again....why do I find it so hard to care? One step forward, two steps backward.

2/3/15
4:58pm - eh, moving forward :) why nothing at all and then all at once?

2/5/15 
12:32pm - ahhh im allowed to run away

2/9/16
12:16am - Wow <3

2/10/16
7:02pm - does the storybook life emulate self-centeredness or an outward orientation towards community? 

2/21/16
10:54pm - HA. screwed up and there's no going back. what some people wouldn't kill.  no one even has to know that was ever said ;)

2/25/16

1:32am - I must say that what I saw today partially tore me up on the inside. To hear words that so avidly don't match up....giving up is seriously so pathetic. Honestly. Anyone can give up. And giving up means it didn't matter very much to you in the first place. And if it actually did, man youre stupid. Or just an arrogant hypocritical liar. Either way. And I mean, obviously I know a lot about that. What I wouldn't do to get what I wanted. Clearly life right now is an example of that hahaha

2/27/16
1:16am - wait, but was that what i asked for? :( it's too much, oh it's too much.  I'm not sure how to stop it because im not sure what i got myself into.  Sometimes Kurt's screaming emulates how I feel on the inside. 

2/28/16

2:40am - today I wanted to run away. I had fun instead. I will choose to believe no matter how many times I see otherwise. They do exist. But honestly I don't care right now. I respect myself too much to lower to that. 

3/1/16
8:29 - this peaceful life seems so much more appealing :)

3/3/16
3:38pm - I saw it in the hospital......DAMN

3/4/16
5:58pm - the eerieness lingers.....i can't even imagine the mentality of a hostage. 

3/4/16 
11:09pm - and then i heard it in the song....... shoot
12:38am - because i would forgive you if you could only forgive me
12:39am - i didn't mean to get so carried away......

3/10/16
10:20pm - it's fucking unfair.
10:40pm - this kind of injustice is what catalyzes my desire to flee from the system. 
11:04pm - i'm disappointed from what i know and what i've been told but what i wouldn't give to talk to you right now.

3/13/16 
11:02pm - cause i can hardly see what's in front of me these days........God, my God, Where Have You Been??

3/19/16
11:40am - because i draw butterflies when i'm confused

3/21/16
3:25am - it bothers me that i wanted to be there so bad for you when i heard....for what did the balcony mean? bleh it's too much for me right now i feel so pushed and prodded and expectant of 

4/11/16
2:16am - ?????? i guess im not feeling like the sun. what the heck :( im bothered that im bothered by that

4/14/16
9:28am - asdfks dfkajf ksljfksdjaksfdjksjf blahhhhhhh oops :))))

5/5/16 
1:17pm - hello friend.... a month strong but i just don't know. only i would love my life and want to run away from it at the same time. 

5/6/16

10:23pm - and I will never let anyone else see. 

10:24pm - how am I supposed to plan for this summer when I'm so caught up in right now? I can't look forward while here my mind doesn't work like that. Damn getting caught up....but I guess I wouldn't replace it for anything 

5/17/16
9:08am - i'm so over being the middle man, the peacemaker....i feel sick. stop being jealous, stop feeling threatened, and stop micromanaging and just live your frikin life!
9:11am - however, best damn listener that i ever did hear of :)

5/23/16

9:50am - I think I'm finally ready to let go and leave. Any longer and I'll go crazy in more than one way. It's too good but not at the same time 

5/31/16
11:52am - Irresponsibility. 

7/12/16

12:32am  - Hey you! Out there in the cold. Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me.  Hey you! Would you help me to carry the stone.  Open your heart, I'm coming home.  Hey you! Don't tell me there's no hope at all.  Together we stand, divided we fall.  
:)

7/15/16

12:00am - waveyyyyyyyyy
12:19am - the bird landed on a crooked nest. LOL
12:21am - I'm getting weirder. I can feel it. And I love it. thank you, Maine, you don't judge me ;)
12:23am - how much longer can we complain and debate without actually doing anything to better the world?  I hate the hypocrisy.  

8/1/16

8:49am - I thought I just saw it in the golden piano on the mountain top....but I then saw it everywhere. 

American Pie Roman candles the Bible Drugs

8/5/16
11:16pm - one of my closest friends here left today :( I don't think anyone will understand me like she did. dirtyforever

8/25/16 
pushed and prodded what's new

10/16/16
4:04pm - 
Today:
Syd Barrett's death
Roger Water's words omg 
Remorse
The war (the weight)
Political angst in comparison haha pathetic
Needs confused
I miss you?

3/7/21

It’s been over 4 1/2 years. Time to resurrect!

7:39pm - Dog vomit oh my. To be high and never come down. Still, so still 

7:52 - the shallowness saddens me deeply. For what is life but human connection and experience?