what do you think I'd see? if I could walk away from me?

I understand so much of it now. My incessant frustrations and bewilderment. 

It's interesting how that happens when you start to truly break free, when you start to truly feel, when you start to truly be stretched. 

and that brings it all back to this place ~

don't think about all those things you feel, just be glad to feel......

just don't be scared when that feeling truly starts to break, begins to mold you, begins to grow you. 

i am glad that i can now feel. its all young Lauren wanted - to escape the mundane and the trivial 

even if its left me gasping for breath 

it's hilarious how these words have turned on me ~

how i would kill to make you feel, i'd kill to move your face an inch, i see you staring into space......

does the future hold a regained sense of balance? 

do i deserve that now after the chaos I've opened myself up to?

part of me doubts it, but part of me isn't sure i want it.

there's still more chaos to be found before peace can truly ring true 

peacefully chaotic

don't think about all those things you feel 

just be glad to feel 

truer words were never said

for my life 

the grass broom

 Brooms weren’t meant to be made of grass, she thought as she struggled to carry one down a crowded street, sections coming loose onto the ground. Or maybe grass wasn’t meant to be forced into a broom. She tried to avoid the confused brown eyes staring back at her - or were they?

Why did I decide to do this during rush hour? 

A fat older woman quickly stepped out from a streetside shop, nearly skewering herself with the tip of the broom. 

“Oh, kohtawt, ka!”

She ashamedly apologized, but the fat woman in danger just smiled and laughed at the spectacle of a farang with a broom in one hand and dinner in the other. 

She kept her head up after that, hoping to avoid any further collisions and skittered past the school to her apartment, almost making it without seeing any of her students. 

“Teacher! Why you have a ………” the boy made sweeping motions, unable to find the correct word.

Why did she have a broom? How about why were farangs questioned on everything normal that they do like cleaning their house?

“So that you can clean my house when you are a bad student!”

He scampered away with wide eyes. 

She entered the stuffy apartment, turned on all the fans and sat down with a heavy sigh on her bed. It was always the little things that got to her. Moving to another country? Check. Learning bits of a new language? Check. Teaching rambunctious sugared up children? Check. Walking down the street holding basic household items? Not checked. 

I feel like I'm withering away in every aspect of life. 

A profound feeling of boredom and disinterest. 

I want to hear a new story from someone that I know. A defining moment or an antidote from their upbringing. 

How long can a passionate person go without any passion in their life?

It's like I'm just floating along. It would be nice to actually feel a sense of belonging. 

2562

Eyes and hearts rolling
rolling so organically
a squeeze
let me squeeze you hard 
so that you'll know how I feel
a nod
a smile
a dance
a kiss
it's a new year 

When did this stop being a therapeutical outlet? My creative inspiration seems to have degraded with the years..... all I have is those poor ripped out pages from my various journals. what a mess

are we destined to be controlled by technology? why are we so greedy for the next advancement? I shouldn't be surprised that humans get off from personal achievements, especially in tech.... it can be exciting, I get it. I get caught up in it too sometimes but it's horrible at the same time. I'm ready to escape and start my commune in the wilderness....

When I read something like Mr. Penumbra's 24 Hour Book Store, I understood it but still, it scared me. Is there anyone left to enjoy the simple things with me?

People want me to have a plan but they don't really seem to like what I give to them. But I am a little worried my focus is too adrift on my own....

When will someone tell me that I am a wide eyed girl who got it right?  I don't need to hear it now but sometimes it seems that it will never happen, that instead I must a live a life of disapointed ties.