radiohead melodrama

if i could be

who you wanted

if i could be

who you wanted....

I haven't listened to Radiohead in awhile.  Not that they could ever be irrelevant...they just haven't be on my radar.  But tonight I listen.  

What the hell happened may be the question I ask myself forever. 

To build something off of nothing but that nothing was supposed to be something but it was really nothing.  

The worst part is that this species of humans CANNOT seem to understand what they do to make us feel utterly insignificant.  Since when did common courtesy become rocket science? 

It's unfair that I have to sit there feeling shitty and heart achen (for broken would be too strong) and they just get to turn everything off and float through life.  I don't even have as many emotions as normal girls do!! 

How many people can say they cried through an entire airport and all the way until the layover?  The poor guy sitting next to me didn't know what to do.  He handed me his extra napkin and snacks with a pitying smile, but that small gester restored some faith in the kindness of strangers.  And even without me crying on her, my second neighbor bought me a 3rd Bloody Mary.  I guess that worked out ok.  

  

I honestly don't even know how to properly write about this.  That's been an issue for me lately.  God, I just need to leave - I abhor this transition state.  

it's the best thing that you ever have, 

best thing that you ever had, 

is gone away....

keh

I'm confused.  I didn't want to miss anything when I left.  I don't know what this is but it all feels so large.  I guess I will find out soon enough.  But what if I don't?  It's very possible there will still be so many questions left unanswered.  Ug. How dare life.  Some things make me wonder if this is all wrong.  I don't think I've given it a fair chance to know yet though.  I've let go of some ideologies.  Is that bad or good?  Too many questions.  But I am excited with the prospect.  Just extremely nervous.

Of Late

To see the world morn over the same individual is an interesting phenomenon.....

At work the other night, the DJ played a set of Audioslave vs. Linkin Park songs back to back.  I'm not sure why, but it felt sadly powerful.  The songs melded into one another and their voices belted out heartfelt lyrics that made you want to cringe.  I stopped and listened for a moment - do these people understand the aftermath of their decisions?  It's crazy to think that people cry over the death of strangers but it's more understandable when you imagine how many people lived each day listening to a certain voice with certain words with certain instruments at a certain rhythmic tempo.  It becomes so much more than just a random fame obsessed Hollywood star.

----------

Dancing in the night
starry eyed and laughing
climb the treehouse
swing from its branches

clinking glasses
smoking cancer
slow dance now
and wrestle me later

drown and suffocate me
in an act of love
never thought I'd still be thinking of you

Dallas

I've been wanting to write about this for a long time but I haven't been sure quite how to.

On the drive out, nothing happened that was very eventful.  We got to see our great aunt and uncle, we talked a lot, and listened to the audio rendition of The Beautiful and the Damned.  I hadn't realized how much I had missed spending time with Carissa, nor how much our lives had grown apart since we were young and under the same roof.  I also had forgotten how similar we are and how nice it was to be around someone so like minded (is that self-praising to say? I don't mean it to be).

We got there late, after making about 35 U-turns on the unnecessarily and insanely confusing Dallas freeways.  The next morning, we got coffee around the corner and then I worked while Carissa helped Paige get ready for the wedding.

Later, we arrived at the wedding - practically late of course - but settled into the very last pew just a few minutes before the opening chorus started.  It was an elegant and beautiful ceremony, absolutely perfect for Audrea.  At the reception, Carissa and I immediately grabbed cocktails and appetizers and went outside to enjoy the humid Texas evening air.  "We have to take pictures of us for mom", I kept saying as I knew she wanted them.  I took a total of one picture at the ceremony, none with us in it.

We quickly met some of the absolute nicest and coolest people.  After a few minutes of talking, we had already been invited to 3 different households.  I guess there is something to be said for Southern hospitality.  The reception was fun - we danced hard and long until it was time to leave.  As the bride and groom were exciting under our petal showers, a real Texas shower began with ground shattering thunder and lightning.  We both became extremely excited and I danced under the rain.  Rain feels so much more refreshing in humid climates.

Back at Paige and Caleb's apartment, many of us continued the celebration.  It was the first time I had drank with Carissa, which I realized was an unusual happening for siblings to take place so late in life.  We played beer pong, joked, laughed so hard. Carissa and I talked about so many things I never thought we would - misbehavior of the past and such.  Up until 4am, we all crashed in the living room and woke up late to make a large breakfast feast.

Returning to the Taylor's later that day, we said our hello's and enjoyed the immensely large family gathering.  We went to the lake and lazily spent the day cliff jumping and relaxing in the bathtub-like water.  It was a simple and pure day.

We later plotted our night plans. Pre-game, Brewery, and then Piano Bar.  If only it happened that simply.  I fell to my weakness for free alcohol and was extremely drunk at the second step in the plan.  We won at cornhole (or so I think) and then moved on to the Piano Bar.  One moment I'm upstairs with the guys and the next I'm sitting below drinking the shots and Bachelorette bowl out of penis straws that Paige purchased.  Paige got on stage and straddled the piano bench while I blacked out.  I blame it on Paige and her damn bachelorette bowl.

The next morning, I awoke to find myself in an obnoxiously bright and color coordinated Golden State Warriors outfit.  I turned to my side and saw Paige's naked body.  The rest of what happened I will keep vague but it was relayed to me as these string of events.... Paige blacking out and punching a homeless man, Lauren almost getting hit by a car, Lauren throwing up quietly on Carissa's lap in the back of an Uber and more..... all in all, I ended up being dressed with coordination while Paige was stripped completely.

I will never forget how hard we all laughed about the night's events.  It had been an extremely long time since I had gotten trashed like that, but alas, what is a cheap girl supposed to do in lew of free things (until I looked at my credit card statement recently and found an interesting charge from a certain Piano Bar.....)?  The drive back was eventful.  We saw so many awful accidents, one in which we felt we could have almost been apart of.

Why am I writing this?  There was something unique I felt on that trip.  Something that made me depressed for days when I got back.  An emotional connection to a life that was not my own?  Or, to spending time with my sister in a way I honestly haven't done in years.  It also may have been spending whole days with all the awesome and fun people and realizing sometimes that contagious kindness and craziness is hard to find.  I'm not sure what it was, but I will never forget it.  

Journals

I was going through my old notebooks and journals today and was surprised to learn that I haven't at all changed since I was a little girl.  In them I found writings and stories following similar themes to the ones that I write now - accounts of me wanting to solve everyone's problems, wanting to run away, and me being "misunderstood".  It made me laugh to read some of the pathetic yearnings of my young heart even though I still understand those feelings.  It shocked me a little to read how willing I was to put aside my own heart ache if I only I could be there for someone else and to be cared for by them.  I realize now what an unhealthy and emotionally detached pattern that has set in my life.  I remember feeling like I had so much passion in me and nowhere to express it in jr. high and highschool.  Definitely not in such a place with superficial friendships and judgment.  I always knew there was more out there than just doing what society expected of you, but I didn't know how to verbalize that strong feeling of discord at that age.  I wrote down so many song lyrics - in fact I used to keep a comprehensive list of all the songs I liked after I fell in love with rock and alternative at 13.  I spent so much time comparing the lyrics in songs to happenings in my life.  I even found the lyrics of a song by Linkin Park printed out and all marked up showing how the words completely dictated my feelings of a specific situation.  Ah, Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington in the span of a few months; best friends and rockstars.  Even though I was never that attached to either it makes me so sad that they made that decision after having such long and profitable careers.  I don't understand how people have the strength to take their own life.

I found this and it made me laugh:

"I love diners
I hate suburbs
I love cats
I love green
I'm insecure about the things I used to be good at
I get bored easily if I'm not stimulated
So many day-to-day things feel like conspiracies
I feel guilty when I'm unproductive
I love the sun
I love coffee
I hate being selfish and I hate selfish and prideful people
I want to create my own job
I hate wearing shoes
I love butterflies
It's kind of creepy that I'm making this list at midnight at Denny's
It takes me multiple months to process anything
Sometimes I feel nothing in the moment
I'm unfortunately lazy
I always want to fix people
I like learning random things"

Sometimes I wish I still wrote in a journal instead of here.  I never will return to notebooks again though because I know I would never write.  My hand gets tired way too quickly, I like editing things over and over again, and I don't want to have a paper trail.  I like being right here.  Sometimes I read through this blog and it awakens so many emotions I had forgotten about.  Ones that I probably never dealt with properly.  I write purposely vague for a reason.  There's no other way for me.

Running Tangents

Honestly, when I leave, I'm partially most excited about being alone.  Being what I want to be; no longer putting up with the BS that is our infamous millennial culture.  I'm honestly so appalled by it at times.  Not wanting to sound arrogant but being so uninterested in befriending or dating half the people I meet.  My co-worker thinks I'm so "cute and innocent" because I mentioned the concept of going on an actual date the other day.  Why are we so barbaric now that we depend on the matching magic of Tinder and sending out masses of dick pics on Snapchat in an attempt to satisfy carnal desires?  My generation is obsessed with approval from strangers, unhealthfully controlling relationships, and the need for constant complaint.  Since when did we get so completely self-centered and forget about anything greater than ourselves?

Long tangent.

When I leave, I will start over in a place that I may not be able to start over in.  I mean it will be difficult - I don't know if I will even be able to communicate.  But at least I won't have to think about auditing my behavior all the time.  No more fear of "slacking", not showing consideration towards "normal" values, or conforming to societal standards.

I sound angry.  I realize that in the majority of the things I write I sound angry.  I'm really not.  I guess I only write about things that frustrate me and unfortunately that doesn't take much.

I am excited, so excited about going, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little anxious.  I already feel pulled in so many directions here, which hopefully I will escape, but I know some of those will follow me.  I mean, I may be essentially working two full-time jobs.  Luckily one I can automate - this freedom is one I've always desired.  Yet I know there will be many difficulties presented with it and I know I will really have to dedicate all that I have.  Sometimes I just doubt that I have a very much to give.  The process of organizing my brain is ridiculously and unnecessarily difficult.  When did my neural synapses get so tangled?  I may have become dumber since starting college.

At least I am escaping.  Since I was little, I always felt the need to run away.  It's this inherent emotion that perpetuates many of my decisions and desires without necessarily attaining my consent.  I can't explain it - I just always need to run.  I wonder if someday I will find the place that I don't need to run from anymore.  

and then my entire life passed before my eyes
it was a haze
full of joy
full of uncertainty
full of laughter
full of longing