Solstice

Flashing eyes
goofy grins
for that it was the same
but
profoundly genuine
to a degree never known
sunflowers
mountaintop sunsets
confusion
running down its slippery side
never felt so secure
rosy cheeks
wet flags
brush by to deliver
intimate exchange on paper
blushing laughter
dancing in the spotlight
loving under the stars
so contrary
so contagious
why?

passion

passion.

Maybe I didn't realize I had it this whole time.
Well, I did, but I was under the false impression that it had to be directed towards something specific in order to be considered legitimate.
I wonder why?

I have a passion for learning.
growing.
building. oh, so much excitement for building!!
relationships.
god.
people.
music.
traveling.
nature.
kittens.
coffee.
the needy.

Why should I ever consider any of these to be less important or not real?  Probably because it has been pounded into my head since birth that in order to mean anything in this world I must pour myself into a respectable career.  When I came to despise this realization, I believed that the only thing I could really be passionate about was to travel and experience.

Although this year I definitely began to discover more passions and pursuits, I didn't realize fully until now how completely untrue this belief is!  As much as I love traveling and exploring, there is a part of me that is unsatisfied with the entertainment nature of it.  I realized this partially from the people I have met through this experience.  Oh, the most interesting people you will ever meet, but their mentality is where we differ.  Could I be ok with traveling from one serving job to another for the rest of my life?  No, I couldn't.  And this realization kind of surprised me.  It surprised me because I let the world tell me that my passions weren't real.  I thought all I had left was to travel and work simple jobs.  But doing so has made me realize how much more God has equipped me with!  As much as I love what I'm doing here, I know it is not something I am meant to do for a large period of my life.  I am so happy to be here now and then get to return back to LA and pursue the opportunities I left off.  I can't wait for weekends in Ventura writing music and recording!  Working more catering events/ weddings with that guy in Beverly Hills.  Pursuing tech more seriously through more online Python, etc. courses.  Potentially gaining managing experience.  Leading a bible study.  Committing to the homeless feeding organization.  Going on climbing trips in Joshua Tree.  Continued consideration of graduate school in Seattle.  Becoming more involved in my new church.  Because I AM a passionate person and I do love learning and growing.  Maybe learning in different ways than what the world tells me I should, but learning all the same.  I need to pour myself into things that matter to me, because apart from God, that's what gives me meaning.  And I can't believe I almost let the world take that away from me.      

structure

I guess I don’t understand why other people get so overwhelmed.  

Well, who am I to say that, I’ve suffered no extreme hardship in my time here on this earth.  But even with people who are experiencing the same challenges (so you can say) alongside me and yet are struggling, I don’t fully get it.  Don’t you know how blessed you are?  Living on this beautiful earth - doing the Lord’s work - making an income, making memories, making everlasting relationships.  You have food on your table, a shelter over your head, human companionship, and the joy of Christ in your heart.  You have a light to share with others - a beautiful gift, the most important gift - yet you feel overwhelmed in one of the simplest stages of your life.  Maybe I haven’t been challenged enough in the ways that could truly get to me, but I don’t understand the need to hone in on the minute details of everyday life.  This obsessive need for structure and regulation is petty.  No apologies if that is a naive statement.  What is truly important at the end of the day?  As my favorite book of the Bible says, live as youth full of vigor, not worrying about tomorrow, enjoying life’s pleasures as God intended - but remember who you answer to in the end. 

the smell of books

I almost cried in a bookstore the other day.  

There’s something about the familiarity of a bookstore that brings about a certain sense of sad nostalgia.  I can’t completely define it, but it has something to do with the concept of thousands of unique stories packed neatly side-by-side just waiting to captivate a reader.  And the consistent and comforting smell of paper.  I used to get laughed at when I was younger for smelling books.   

I know that my emotions were encouraged by additional factors, however.  The moping of teenagers as their mom anxiously pulls them across a crowded street, a laughing family eating hungrily after a long hike, a group of kids exhaustedly sprawled out on the village green - these are all familiar sights from my own family vacations.  I’m homesick. Not horribly, but I feel a twinge inside every time I see all the carefree tourists walking around town or on a family hike.  It makes me wish I was on a family vacation so badly, and oh, how I did not appreciate them as much as I should have as a kid!  I miss my family and I miss going home to San Diego after school.  I definitely don’t miss my usual job and I am completely content with my decision not to spend the summer there, but I do miss the city.  It always feels like a breath of fresh air after being in LA for so long.  I think the reason I feel this way is because there is such a difference between traveling and relocating.  Relocating actually requires adjustment.  I adapt fairly quickly, and I am so now, but I don’t think I fully was that day in the bookstore.  I think it’s more of an adjustment due to having practically no personal space in a dorm, as opposed to having my own room in an apartment or something.  Having my own room last year at school may have spoiled me a bit too much.  

Today, I was driving around the island and felt so blessed to have the opportunity to live in the most beautiful place that I have ever been to and to work a job that I truly enjoy and learn from.  I love all the things there are to do here and all the people I have met.  But I still miss the comforts of home.  I wish I had more time to spend there before I start school again, but I know I’ll also be happy just to be back in southern California in general.               

Azed

I left the world behind me
and floated over open air
it left me wrecked and ruined
but this brokenness I cannot decipher
sometimes it seems the only authenticity
other times it is foolish and silly
I thought it could put motion inside my soul
for that i was wrong to assume
it crushed and bruised me
but only briefly
for it's beauty i have difficulty seeing past
it draws me to its profoundness
with a sadness and gladness only I can truly know
I left the world
and it left me stranded

Reflections

Age fills me with sadness.
Why so?  It shouldn't.
Yet, there have been so many moments when my eyes catch the face of an elderly person, and I can't help but feel overcome with a sense of distraught sympathy.  For all I know, they are completely content, having a lived a full life and continuing to press on into later years.  But I just can't help but see this expression of confusion in their faces that pulls something in my heart.  I believe it may be the way in which they appear so naive and pure - unknowing - yet they have lived to a much more significant extent than I have (in my own non-naivety).  So where is this look derived from?  Often I've seen it as genuine confusion, just as someone is lost or unsure of their decision.  But this happens to all ages and all spans of life.  It must be the fact that they are so wise and worldly yet as easily confused as a young child.  It's that little instance of reversion.  I almost teared up yesterday at the sight of an old man.  Granted, it had been a long day and I was exhausted from traveling.  But as I looked at that man - sitting on the edge of his seat to look out of the water, just waiting for that glimpse of the Statue of Liberty, mouth opening, eyes questioning - I felt severely depressed.  Maybe it's the ease of captured attention.  I guess I don't ever want to be so easily and simply entertained - is that bad to say?  These people may have lived such adventurous lives but as soon as old age hits they stand in awe of the simplest of pleasures.  They misunderstand, they admire, and they enjoy the most uncomplicated things, perhaps because they can't comprehend much more any longer.  Maybe that's what I'm scared of.  How pathetically arrogant of me.  I do say though, this look of content confusion is what draws me to them.  It makes me want to hold conversation with them and it causes me to genuinely smile.  I love when older people come into Peet's.  Maybe I'm just sick of the college age demographic, but they always have so much to say or need help with and I like being able to assist them.

Since I've spent the most time in New York, I believe I have the expertise to accurately assess the subculture of this place.  Lol jk, I don't actually think 3 days can give you that (unless we are talking about Mexico, I for sure figured that one out, haha).  But grant me some observations.
I'm not cool enough for New York.  No one wears cut-off shorts, ragged shirts and tanks, or sandals.  Which I sincerely don't understand because it gets so insanely hot here?? I stand out like a homeless man in Beverly Hills (may be exaggerating).  The classic New York look (for Caucasians) is button down shirts or tee, cuffed pants, athletic shoes, headphones, glasses, and a harsh expression.  Although I have seen this often, it's also nice that everyone here dresses with their own unique style.  It really seems that people here just wear what they like, rather than worrying about if what they like is "cool" or in style.  That's refreshing.  I'm getting sicker and sicker of LA's need to impress and obsession with being "trendy" and "hipster" (oxymorons, people!), "OMG you are totally hipster, aren't you?!"  Although I don't understand why people don't wear shorts here, it's really nice seeing girls wearing real clothes and not just yoga pants and crop tops 24/7.

I think it's pretty obvious to most people I interact with that I'm not from here.  The blonde demographics are severely low, but I'm used to that.  And I never realized how much politeness was drilled into my upbringing until discovering that saying "thank you", "good morning", etc. are completely obsolete and unnecessary.  People are so rude here.  It comes off to me as being unhappy, which is an assumption that will not be made.  But they run around like lunatics grabbing what they need and not stopping to help others.  I'm pretty confident I could scream on a street corner for help and most people wouldn't stop.  The coffee shop I'm at now has nice vibes, but it leaves me missing the laidback attitude of beachside cafes, where people come in barefoot and half wearing clothes.  At least they are greeted with a kind "hello" and not made to feel like an imposition.  I guess it's a side effect of being the largest city in America.  The quote by Jack Keraouc has been constantly running through my head during my time here.

“LA is the loneliest and most brutal of American cities; NY gets god-awful cold in the winter but there's a feeling of wacky comradeship somewhere in some streets. LA is a jungle.”

I really am confused by this.  New York City is an absolute jungle.  I don't see the comradeship here.  Maybe that's too naive for a traveler to say, because I haven't had the chance to be actually involved in community here.  Granted, New York and Los Angeles have definitely changed since the time that that book was written.  I can imagine that New York would have been a wonderful place to be in earlier times.  But still, people just seem straight up nicer and more helpful in LA than they are here.  I've mastered driving here - it's basically make-your-own-path-and-people-will-move-out-of-it if they don't want to get hit.  And then honk incessantly when anyone dares to interrupt your speed.  It's insane.  I will never understand why California drivers get such a bad rap.  I've also mastered the subway, which I love and have always wished were brought to California.  

All that to say, I really like New York.  The people are less free flowing and the catcalls are 10x worse than California, but there's a unique and exciting lifestyle that this city holds.  The ancient buildings are beautiful and there is always something happening.  It's captivating, yet tiresome.  I could definitely adapt but probably only short term; I am already ready to be out of the city and in nature.  

Equinox

flashing eyes
goofy grins
fun and games
sarcastic sayings
sometimes never more than that
makes me ache within.

running in the same direction
yet I the initiator.

similar insecurities
yet
different species.

not crazy enough
but an adventurous soul.

a lifeless soul.

how unfortunate.

how naive,
temporary,
pointless,

fun.

natural tendencies
put aside.

let go,
let live,
let God.