People place too much of an emphasis on a person's abilities.  Stripped of all that, what importance do they retain?  Is there nothing to be said for their sense of humanity?  Does that not suffice?

The Art of People Watching

Today he was wearing a shirt that read, "Solstice is the reason for the season". 

He, being the SD hoop guy.  He was smiling with his typical small crowd of onlookers and a few that were hula hooping.  I watched as he beckoned passerbys in his usual carefree manner to participate.  

I'd seen him a few times before, even hooped with him once.  I said hello to him again, although I knew there was no reason to tell him I knew him.  Once when I talked to him two days in a row and said so to him, he replied with, "Sorry, I'm an old man I don't remember things too well anymore." 

Today, he taught me a trick.

I asked him why he loved hooping so much, and his response surprised me. 

"I don't, I hate it."

"Why do you do it then?" I inquired.

"I do it for my daughter."

Essentially I learned that his hooping career originated in honor of his daughter, a professional hooper (didn't know that was a thing) whom he hadn't seen in 30 years.  Whether he did it in order to gain her acknowledgment from afar or to attract her attention so that she might come visit him again, I will never be entirely sure.  Perhaps she was angry with him, perhaps she merely didn't have the time for his antics.  Although I felt a mixture of sympathy and sadness for him, I could see he wholeheartedly appreciated the delight he brought to others.  He cheerfully told me how he was able to help a girl missing an arm as well as an autistic boy learn how to hula hoop earlier that day. 

I am always curious as to how he survives.    Never does he ask for donations, as he prides himself in offering the only place one can hula hoop for free at.  I don't get the feeling that he has a family supporting him and his brain seems to be mostly fried by drugs or whatever at this point. Yet he truly does have a gift for bringing joy to strangers and I see the community he draws in around him that may be the closest thing he has to a family. 

Talking and hooping with him reminded me of my intrigue for people.  I used to keep a record of my observations every time I went to this particular coffee shop because I knew I was bound to see or talk to someone of interest.  I could always tell which ones were travelers and which ones were locals.  Other instances with strangers stick out to me as well.  I still remember the conversations I had with the drunk Irishman at the OB hostel who wanted to make a bean bag water slide all the way to the ocean, or the homeless man who in so many words asked to move in with me, or with the sweet Canadian girl in Santa Monica who also enjoyed making banana egg pancakes, or the many other people I have seen and never talked to that have merely impacted me from their outward appearance because I feel I can read their life story from the lines on their faces.  Today was a good reminder to look up; I never know what I might see or who I might talk to.

if only i could be content doing nothing.

Temporality

Clocks strike
rain falls
memories clear
a time long ago
careless in the field
time didn't matter
but
Clocks strike
time passes
memories left to linger
moments of simplicity
What is left?
Clocks
a reminder of time wasted
time dwelling
time long ago
bliss left with a strike of the clock
but memories haunt until the clocks cease

(14 yrs.)

Lies

I've come to realize that the majority of sin that I regret in my life have come from lies that I believed.  Whether they were lies that I told myself or ones that I've been led to believe, I still accepted them and allowed them to affect the way I thought and acted.  Often, I have found that the lie I believe the most is the one that tells me that I am not good enough.  That I am deficient, mediocre, and unwelcome because of it.  Another one is the fear that I will never experience the feelings that normal humans are familiar with.  That I am incapable of attaining certain forms of happiness, understanding, and emotion.  I try to conquer these lies and prove them wrong by searching in all the wrong places for answers that just end up hurting me.  Combined, these lies have led to one of my greatest regrets.  Even though what I did wouldn't be considered that big of a deal, to look at my decayed emotional state of that time is abhorrent to me.        

Captivate

Captured

Not in her eyes

Yet flowing through her mind

The chemicals

Billowing as harsh weather

Bouncing off drums (T@G)

Obliterate all attempts

There is no room for you here. (Double if not triple)

Tingling down the spine

To toes

That only a poet would know (16)

Warm the structure

Freeze all drive

Yet free the essence

The bird flew today.  (Symbolic)

MIC 201 - FQ 2014

The Over Examined Life

“The over examined life, Claire, it's not worth living.”

But to under examine, do you miss out on discovering things about yourself and your ideals?

Alternatively, can there come a point when too much self-enlightenment can become a hindrance?

Would Socrates look at Claire's example and agree or disagree?  I strongly relate to Claire at times, at her level as well as on a broader scale.  Naturally, the answer seems to be derived at a fine line.  If I was ever able to determine those fine lines, I'd have the solution to every mystery.

The Dreamer

The dreamer knows no home,

they wander as a nomad.

They are not easily contented,

yet often disappointed.  

The dreamer feels

tastes

understands

everything.  

Yet know nothing.
The dreamer never stops wondering.

They do not conform,

for they make their own path.

The dreamer finds joy,

creates hope

gives love

even when they do not exist.

They long for freedom.  

The dreamer belongs to no one,

yet belongs to everyone.  

The dreamer believes lies. 

They cannot distinguish reality from imagination.

The dreamer desires experience above excess,

yet they want everything. 

The dreamer will never focus on the present,

for they are trapped in the future.  

The dreamer will never settle.  

I will never understand

Have you ever felt so intensely, you thought you would die?
Have you ever seen so much beauty that it broke your body into a million pieces, strew them about the ground, and squeezed you until your insides came out?
Have you ever felt the despairity of the world burdening your shoulders?
Have you ever seen the most beautiful tragedy play out before your eyes?
Have you ever wanted to escape from life?

Hood Rats

Recently, I spent the weekend in Bakersfield with two of my roommates.  Caitlin grew up there, so we stayed at her house and she showed us around town. One night after dining at the Crystal Palace, we stopped for ice cream and went to one of Caitlin's favorite parks.  She told us her memories of the park; how she trained for a marathon there with her best friend after school, how he helped her to forget her fears by jumping off bridges and monkey bars, how they had bonfires underneath the freeway overpass, how they trolled strangers and messed around playing games, how they existed together every day.

It reminded me of the days before college, when we spent time running around enjoying the innocence and purity of living.  Whether it was exploring caves, spray-painting under bridges, sneaking into hotel jacuzzis, having bonfires by the cliffs, climbing onto roofs, or laying under the stars.  We would run around the neighborhood looking for empty houses to explore or random strangers to join.  Our most pathetic adventures that ended with us settling for a movie and ice cream or quite the opposite, almost getting arrested, have become some of the most humorous moments to look back on.  Existing and risking together, it brought us closer and gave color to our cheeks.  There was a lust for the simplicity of youth, yet I didn't realize it until life became so complex.  Now, I look back on that time with a longing.  Don't get me wrong, I love to see my future unfold before me in my pursuit of education.  I have started to see personal growth in ways that I would have never experienced had I stayed home and not gone to school.  I am excited to see where it all takes me; I honestly just want to do everything.  But I do dearly miss the ease and fun of life as a restless and unruly adolescent.

Some argue that you aren't fully living until you obtain the monetary means to go wherever and do whatever you want.  I had friends who wanted to live every single moment to the fullest, making sure there wasn't a single dull moment but rather always doing large-scale activities.  This doesn't sound like a dangerous ideal, but it too often sets you up for disappointment when grand plans don't play out as expected.  Although I had a share of those great experiences, I have always sought out happiness in the smaller moments in life, because those ultimately are the most joyous memories.  I believe there can be damage that comes from merely pursuing fun at every turn instead of understanding the lasting impact of creating true joy in every circumstance.  Joy through community, creativity, or intimate moments.  These are the truly timeless occasions that will always bring comfort.



 

Thoughts/Quotations

We are more captivated by mere reflections of the Creator than we are the awe-inspiring Creator himself. 

Something has to make you run

The concept and the representation are too easily confused. 

Complacency is evil.  Apathy is death. 

The romantic life is a false notion. 

Does he drive you wild?  Or just mildly free?

Sometimes I feel nothing but a fierce numbness; other times I feel so intensely it takes my breath away.  I have not become comfortably numb. 

Is it not greater to be oppressed than to be part of the oppression?

Come on and take a Walk on the Wild Side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

Tread carefully, humans

Please stop glamorizing. 

How are things that come through our ears able to evoke such a strong emotional response?

An insatiable passion for freedom.  

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here

I hate the big decisions
that cause endless revisions in my mind

But my heart is wild, and my bones are steel
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free

Malibu gas station
On face the nation
California magik
A tan so tragique

What if....

What if...
Is it possible that those two words have the power to shape the activity of your everyday life?  Is it established by a relatively healthy fear, or an irrelevant irrationality?  I am tired of living by the romanticized notion that everything I do affects the outcome of something else.  If I fail to do this ridiculously trivial task, what if this happens?  If I do complete this negligible errand, could that take place?  This "tragic lifestyle" can't be anything but an overdramatic portrayal of one's own life, construed by futile paranoia.  It is an egotistical and mistaken view of the importance of oneself's role in society.  It is a bestowing of meaning towards things that do not require the littlest amount of significance.  Why do I allow myself to live this way?  What am I afraid of?

The Circle

Some see the message of the Gospel as the ultimate story of redemption, but I do not always find it to be so encouraging.  Many feel burdened down by the weight of their sin, but why should they?  We were created with God knowing full well that we would be susceptible to sin and never, no matter how hard we try, ever be able to live a perfect, sinless life.  We have been predestined for failure before we were even conceived.  Why then, should we find such hope in the message of the cross?  That is God saying, “You have been created in such a way that you will constantly sin, but I have such great love for you so I will send my son to die for you, and because of this you should praise me forever”.  God allows the problem of sin AND he provides a solution.  It does not make sense for someone to be praised for fixing an issue that they caused.  The fact that he would kill his Son for this seems like a waste.  Yet, this is where the circle begins to take shape.  For maybe, this “waste” of Jesus is the most powerful thing there can be.  Since God is the creator of the problem and the solution, maybe it is amazing that he would completely unnecessarily sacrifice part of himself.  Maybe the fact that God did not have to do anything for us, for we are merely pawns on his chessboard, shows the genuineness of his love.  Perhaps, that is the beauty of the Gospel.

Water

Today, I swam in the ocean.  The waves were crashing down heavily, and there was a strong current pulling to the north.  As I struggled to wade out deeper, I saw that there was a man swimming nearby, alone as well.  We both battled wave after wave simultaneously.  I became aware of a connection that had formed between this stranger and myself, for although we never exchanged a syllable, we were fighting the same fight.  We used the same motions to push on through the rough waters, and each distance gained felt like a small victory.  Together, yet separately, we persevered through the abiding force of the ocean.  

The Tragic Life

The tragic life is easily disappointed.  The tragedy never takes place, yet life is left at a seemingly slower and less dramatic pace, which can easily be misconstrued as boredom.  Prior to the let down, thoughts of "what if...." envelope the mind, and paranoia is sure to ensue.  Is it better to invent ridiculously magical scenarios merely to become fearful and discontented, or to live without a wild and curious imagination?

The Void

If anything, I have learned of the void.  The void can be filled in numerous amounts of ways, most commonly consisting of material possessions, science, religion, family; but for some this does not suffice.  What then, is able to fill this emptiness?  Some may say God, but I believe this fits in a different category altogether.  No, I believe that some have a stronger drive and need for the unity, freedom, and adventure that have been created for our benefit.  That unbreakable sense of lives intertwining and pushing one another along can be one of the most fulfilling feelings of human existence.  It cannot be found in environments filled with judgment or facades, for it thrives off sincere genuineness.  It is souls coming together into one being that accepts each as they are and promotes goodness in the lives of each other.  This bond allows for freedom; freedom to express, freedom to create, freedom to experience.  Liberty from following the status quo, from running our soul’s dry, and from living under unnecessary social restrictions.  No longer is there a need to impress, please, or meet expectations, for there has never been a sufficient reason for our nature to be covered up so that it may not offend or be seen as abnormal.  Individual human expression is a wonderful phenomenon betrothed to us by our Creator, and as so has never been intended to be suppressed.  This desire for more, something other than the so little that the common man has to offer, creates the drive for experiencing the unknown.  It is never easily satisfied by the comforts of this world, but rather flourishes from a certain amount of discomfort.  The ventures that make life on Earth a sufficient temporary will never be found sitting in a recliner staring glassy-eyed at a television.  No, a willingness to give up the stumbling-block of comfort is a necessity in order to experience the true beauties of the world. 

 

Ride

Forever one of my favorite outward portrayals of inner reflection.  Never before have I heard these expressions so exquisitely fashioned into phrases.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Py_-3di1yx0

Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

I drive fast, I am alone in the night

Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble,

but I, I've got a war in my mind

So, I just ride

We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore, except to make our lives into a work of art.

I believe in the country America used to be.

I believe in the person I want to become.

I believe in the freedom of the open road.

And my motto is the same as ever:

"I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself I ride, I just ride."

Who are you?

Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?

Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?

I have. I am fucking crazy.

But I am free.

Lana

Only The Best

Freak out and give in
Doesn't matter what you believe in
Stay cool and be somebody's fool this year
'Cause they know who is righteous, what is bold
So I'm told

Who wants honey
As long as there's some money
Who wants that honey?

Hipsters unite, come align for the big fight to rock for you
But beware, all those angels with their wings glued on
'Cause deep down, we are frightened and we're scared
If you don't stare

Who wants, honey?
As long as there's some money
Who wants that honey?

Let me out
Let me out
Let me out
Let me out

Tell me all of your secrets
Cannot help but believe this is true
Tell me all of your secrets
I know, I know, I know
Should have listened when I was told

Who wants that honey?
As long as there is some money
Who wants that honey?

Let me out
Let me out
Let me out
Let me out

~Smashing Pumpkins

The Dance

Raw the morning air
Still cross from the early sun's awakening 
There to envelope her completely

First her toes

Next her legs

The particles crawling up body to neck
Finally cover her head

Synapse of a chill from nerve to skin 
As the breeze dances with her hair

Some strands perform the tango

Others a graceful ballet

Upward she lifts her head towards the lightening sky

Lungs starving for a breath of salt-stringed air

It tickles her throat

Provoking a giggle to erupt from smiling lips

Slender toes speculate the sand

Still cool from the absence of the sun

This time it’s her turn to dance

She chooses freestyle and effortlessly floats across the sand

Unaware an accidental skip into the water

A small shriek followed by more giggles sure to arrive

Tentatively, a single toe is hovered

Over the swell of the frigid water and carefully she dips it in

Purposely this time

A squeak breaks through her pursed lips

Another chill sprints through her body

This time traveling up

With courage, she puts both feet in the foaming shore and holds them in place

Screaming neurons fire repeatedly

But she does not relent to their beckoning cries

Her feet stay until no longer she can feel them

Laughing at the strangeness of this

She turns east to view the eagerly ascending sun
Refreshed after it's nightly rest

The golden rays reach out to caress her skin

Gently coerce her eyes shut
Dispersing promises of a new day

Her toes numb

Face warmed

Hair dancing

This has to be the best feeling, she thought

Simple Kind of Life

  Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life,

In all I get so faithful to my freedom

A selfish kind of life

When all I ever wanted was the simple things

A simple kind of life

- Gwen

Final Word

And somehow it seems like it will all work out in the end

But I am told that I am only allowed to pretend

Nothing is what is seems

In my case it’s true
Drowning but my eyes are on you 

I just want to leave
I just want to leave

When I do will it be ok?

I am going to leave

I am going to leave

Will it be as they say?

Paper cuts slice at your soul

They say it’s ok

It’s not ok

My body’s in lead

My heart’s in tow

Where will I go

Where will I go

Turn it up

No

Turn it down

Please play me a new song

This record is scratched and bound

Take me away oh take me away

Where will we go

I can’t understand what you say

Peace love and boredom

What do you say

The new norm

Why is it this way

Why do I have to listen to what they say

I don’t believe them anyway

Its all a guise

I know it is

What else could something of that pretense be?

Besides an army of clones

And I believe they are happy

I really do

But this happiness is not profound

Just something they learned

Get me out

Get me out

Unlock the gate

Please that’s all I ask

Bring me to the Promised Land

I will bask

In it’s warmth

I will live

I choose life

It’s my choice

It’s my final word